Tag Archives: Wordpress

A very spammy vacation with extra spam

Well, it’s been about a week and a half since I posted something here, and during that time I discovered I was a famous blogger. OK, maybe I’m not famous, but certainly I am influential, and if not famous or influential, then certainly I’m a leader among academics.

I know this because of the spam that has ravaged this blog while I was away.

Normally, I try to post something once or twice a week. No one will accuse me of being the Stephen King of blogs to be sure. It’s a pretty easy pace to keep up.

La Gomera

What a beautiful rain forest — I wonder if anyone is posting free sex cam spam to my blog?

But there was no update last week because I was on vacation (more on that in a later update) where my liver divorced me, my skin was subjected to cancer-inducing levels of sunlight and some fiend of a person known as my wife subjected me to leg-aching forced marches. (All of which was good fun except for the last part.)

“Hey, can we go another six miles?” asked the drill-sergeant wife.

Me: “Honey, do you understand the point behind vacation? Sigh. Yes, it’s your vacation too, let’s go another six-god-awful-miles. Do you want to carry the backpack for a bit? No? Shit.”

The vacation brings me to the famous, influential and academic bits. It was during this bliss and blister filled week that the normally tight and effective spam blockers at work here at WordPress also took a holiday.  Spammers hit me here like a gangster collecting back payments, fast and hard.

This was a bitch too cause I was on, as I said, vacation.

If you’re unfamiliar, traveling with a smart phone to countries outside of your home country induces a beer-spitting, screen-spraying “holy-shit that costs how much” level of a phone bill. A simple text to a loved one saying “Wish you were here,” can throw you into bankruptcy and updating Facebook will cost you a kidney in some places.

So, with that in mind, I tend to turn off the data roaming  while on vacation. But in the mornings, while enjoying a great cup of instant coffee and watching the one British channel we received (which oddly featured only British reality shows of a mechanical nature – the “buy a used car and fix it in order to sell” it variety), I would turn data-roaming on and check the news and the blog.

It should have been a simple routine if not for spammy spammers and their fucking spam.  But at least I learned some things about myself.

I mean consider this comment …

“Spot on with this write-up, I honestly believe this website needs a lot more attention.
I’ll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the info!”

I mean, I don’t know who the fuck young-angelo@googlemail.com, but he understood that my in-depth and insightful write up about a guy caught masturbating for money on the internet and lambasted on U.S. Army’s WTF Moments blog was … something. What, we’re not sure, it was just … who knows.

 “I like it whenever people come together and share views.
Great website, continue the good work!”

That was written by free live sex cams, crap I mean reece-riley@arcor.de, who also liked my U.S. Army WTF Moments update, but thought it was more of a collaborative effort. Free live sex cams being the place Reece Riley was trying to push. It was collaborative in a sense, Dave (an administrator at the site) Fran and I did collaborate on it, I guess.

Live sex tube just hopes I post more … live sex tube likes that kind of thing it seems.

“Very great post. I simply stumbled upon your weblog and wished to
say that I have really enjoyed browsing your weblog
posts. After all I’ll be subscribing in your feed and I hope you write once more very soon!”

Live sex tube has not subscribed to my weblog.  I’m as disappointed as you are.

Tawanna who is either British or functionally retarded (you pick) writes …

“Hi there mates, how is the whole thing, and what you want to say
on the topic of this paragraph, in my view its in fact awesome
for me.”

How is it indeed Tawanna? I can tell you dear, it’s spammy with a taste of spam and sprinkled with extra, extra spam.

The comments weren’t all posted on a blog about a guy masturbating for money

You've always liked what?  retarded dick jokes?

You’ve always liked what? retarded dick jokes?

on the American tax dollar though, no sir. The spammers also left two comments about my retarded and drunken lambasting of the Olympics (because nothing says good blog like a lush saying great athletes suck, right?)

“I have already been instructing a category and that we are considering this particular topic over the following 7 days.”

And …

“I will be pointing my own university scholar to check out this post once and for all information I have already been meaning to create something such as this on my own web site and you’ve got provided me personally a concept”

See that shit? That comment contained the words “university,” “scholar” AND nothing else at all … I just wanted to point out that someone used the term “scholar” in the same reference as hadafewbeers.com … Success!

What the fuck?

WordPress, in their defense, normally does a very good job at blocking spam but these spamtards got all stealthy and didn’t include the links in their comments, only in their address, which I guess tripped up the spam killer.

Anyway, these comments prove spammers love me, so suck it!

Happy Bday Had a Few Beers. You’re one year old. Now get to work …

Happy beerday blog, you’re one year old today.

Today this craptastic collection of bad jokes, thinly-veiled, breast-fetish material and homage to alcoholism that I call “Had a Few Beers” is 1 year old.

Actually, I’m not really sure what day I started this and am really too lazy to look it up. It was January though, I remember that much. I was drinking beers in my garage when I thought, “You know what I should do with all these awesome thoughts I have, I should write them down so that the world can see how great they are.”

I should mention I was looking at a friend’s BMW parked in my garage for

Yes, early on at HadaFewBeers.com we staged, and by we I mean I, epic dinosaurs verses army men battles on a friends new BMW hood.   Why mandatory drug testing was not insisted upon at my work, I'll never know.

Yes, early on at HadaFewBeers.com we staged, and by we I mean I, epic dinosaurs verses army men battles on a friends new BMW hood. Why mandatory drug testing was not insisted upon at my work, I’ll never know.

the winter and thinking about the merits of tea-bagging various parts of it at the time.  So there’s that, if it adds context.

But here we are 89 posts later,  and I know that exact number because the dorks at WordPress insist on telling me “OH MY GOD! YOU JUST LOADED ANOTHER UPDATE” every time I, ya know, load a fucking update. I mean the last thing I want when I push “publish” is a giant pop up screen tell me about it. I have typos to fix and links to shorten. The nerds who  run this place need to actually DO a blog here.

Anyway, 89 painfully obvious updates and a year later, here we are. Hitting 50,000 views in the very near future (all of them looking for information about sauna boners it would seem if the search terms are to be trusted) and I’m ready to do some more — damage.

A quick rundown of the year would go this way.

Sgt. 1st Class Taylor’s updates were the most popular per day view with 1,276 views in a 24-hour period.

The first post to reach 100 views in a day was this one and I didn’t even write it (bitch!).

She was also my first ‘guest blogger’ … the first of four (and here they are).

The most popular search term with 1,425 hits is (do not follow this link, it’s a porn site and I honestly don’t know how or why it’s associated with HAFBs, if anyone can explain it I will pay money) Beeg.com.

The second is most popular search term is, drum roll, “nude sauna.”

The nude sauna seriously has by far been the most popular over time.  A lot of people in ‘Merica are looking for nude sauna blogs, or they just want porn about saunas, I don’t know.

Look people it’s really, really hot in those things.  I know people in Europe are

See no one is slipping anyone a Mr. Happy ...

See no one is slipping anyone a Mr. Happy …

naked and there are mixed genders in there but it’s really, really hot in there. I promise no one is scrogging in a real sauna.  Just blinking is tiresome in there, for the love of god.

The first ‘500’ views (in a day) was Things you don’t know about the military until you get out of the military.

We’ve had some great cleavage shots because a chick I know rocks at sending spur of the moment cleavage shots.  (*mental note, do a cleavage montage update later).

Our favorite blogger has to be Oh God, My Wife Is German and he gave us our first “shout out” when this first started. He also gave us another shout out after winning an expatriate blogger award. He also rocks, so go read his stuff. He breaks electric razors for his blog.  All I’ve ever destroyed here is my reputation — you know stupid stuff.

We have a facebook like page with over 1,000 likes (and growing) that you can reach (and like) here or over on the left if you don’t like my link.

Anyway, it’s all right here in this handy-dandy end-of-year report by the good folks at WordPress.com. Good job, nerds. You can see Marni Sandberg out performed Mmmmmags as the top commenter.   Though neither broke the 20 comments. Way to underachieve, ladies.

An old Army friend, Fran, came out of the wordwork and offered to edit this damn thing, something that (as you know) was desperately needed, and another friend has started trying to market it because I tweet like old people______ and ______.

Those two ______ up above are intentional.  I didn’t just start a joke and then not finish it and post it like that. I mean, I would, but I didn’t this time.  I did it because I want you — the person looking for sauna-boner information — to finish that joke. Finish it and leave it in the comments. If funny enough I’ll laugh, a lot.

This leads me to the way ahead with this thing. See I’m like a ship’s captain navigating the wordy seas. Arrgh maties! Thar be a heavin’ set o’ bossoms off the port side o’ the poop deck!  (Suck on that last sentence, Fran!)

I’d like to expand this thing.  I’d like to get more people involved, more writers mainly.  A lot of you are funny, funny, funny and if you want to try your hand at writing something let us know.  Leave a comment or send an email if you’re interested.

Because, more and more, this blog is becoming more of an “us” than an “me.”

I’m also a lazy shit, I don’t want to have to do all the work.

Seriously, in what is likely the worst casting call of all time if I’m calling on you for your “lolz!”

If you can type a sentence that doesn’t make Fran want to commit suicide,( and she’s strong in that regard. I’ve really tested her on this) and if you can make a joke that’s funny and want to give it a go, reach out. I can promise you, really promise you, that if you just want to try writing without having your name associated with it, we’re your blog. If we like it we’ll push it and your name will never be released. Most of the ‘mystery’ bloggers here are easily enough figured out because they know me personally, but I’d never give out a name without permission.

Finally, and this might be years, rather than a year down the road, I realize that

Finally a boobie free blog ... not this blog though, no way.   HAFBs will always have boobies.

Finally a boobie free blog … not this blog though, no way. HAFBs will always have boobies.

some people reading this who are otherwise very funny writers might not want their name associated with HAFB.com because of well, boobies, beer and the frequency in which I say fuck.

But I do have an idea, a totally new idea, that might be more appropriate. Something without boobs, without beer and without my politics… stay tuned.

Finally (really finally this time) thanks to Dagmar for putting up with me and reading this crap. Thanks to Fran for coming on board and editing (still hoping she writes something – she’s very talented), thanks to mystery social-media guy who honestly puts up with way too much of my shit, thanks to the mystery guest bloggers and thanks to you, whoever you are, reading this. I get a lot of joy out of doing it, but it would be very, very pointless without you.

Thank you.

Someone finally took pity on me and agreed to edit this thing: introducing Fran

Happy New Year!

Has the hangover subsided yet?

At this time last year I resolved to grow a beard because basically, as resolutions go, that was the easiest of my wife’s requests.

“All I have to do is not shave for a while? Crap this resolution is as good as done.”

The beard lasted like a month because I don’t like beards. That shit itches.

So, if anyone ever asks you, “Does that guy who writes the Had A few Beers blog like to grow a beard?” You can authoritatively answer, “No. He does not care for the feel of a beard.”

If you win any money in a bet situation with a question like that I’d like a cut, whatever you feel is right. I’m not greedy.

Anyway, HAFB is almost, but not quite, a year old. I do plan to do a first-year review but that’s a few weeks away.

So what I want to do today is introduce someone to you – my editor.

Yeah, I have an editor as of three or four posts back. I desperately needed one and am deeply, deeply thankful for her offer even though I have to pay her like $1 million Internet dollars an update.

 I’ve known Fran for like, crap, 24 years. We were both Basic Journalism students at Ft. Benjamin Harrison, Ind. The key difference between us is — she paid attention to stuff like speeling, gramer, and sentense structure, while I spent most of my time thinking about boobs.

I asked Fran what image she'd like associated with her and she said, just use that crazy bus driver lady from South Park.   Which fit perfectly in my mind.

I asked Fran what image she’d like associated with her and she said, just use that crazy bus driver lady from South Park. Which fit perfectly in my mind.

Fran started Facebook stalking me (and by Facebook stalking I mean undressing me with her comments WHORE!) about the same time I started drunkenly doing Facebook updates.  She’d swoop in and point out that “congradulations” was spelled “congratulations” and I’d read her comment, stew in a pot of “fuck her for being so right,” for five minutes and then move on.

Point is, she was correct, every time.

The bitch.

Then she graciously offered to edit and I desperately needed someone to edit.  BNecause without edit thing lke sentense this way happen way.

See, I need an editor.

Fran, no shit, writes for a living. Which I, no shit, admire. She’s snarky on a level I cannot always comprehend. She once told me I made her “see red rats” and I don’t even know what that means. She’s promised to occasionally do a HAFBs posts herself and I cannot wait. She makes me laugh on a level I cannot explain.  She also has a macaw*, because, and I quote, “I just want a bird that’s a friend.”

Don’t all of us, really?

We’re still working out the kinks, and I don’t mean kinks as in feather boas and gerbils, but rather how the hell do we do this? Do I email her a word document, load up the post in WordPress as a draft, send it to her via fax, what?

We will get there I’m sure, though.

Finally, I told Fran that I had a funny story to share about her when we were in training together. I was tanked during this discussion which helps explain why it wasn’t that funny at all, but here it goes.

We were in a student-break area when she recounted a time she was camping

DEER FEEDING ON GRASS ALONGSIDE HIGHWAY 107, S...

Holy crap it has spots and its cute — aim for the head boys (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with friends. She and a male friend were sitting in the camp, I’m unsure where the other friends were at the time, when a deer retardedly (this really had to be a retarded deer after all) walked into the camp and her male friend reflexively grabbed his rifle and shot it. She told me (or the group, I think it was the group) that she swooned when he did this and I experienced my first “bro-crush.” In my head I remember thinking, “Well, I’m not gay, but that dude’s awesome.”

That’s all I remember.  See not that funny at all.

There are a lot of people that I want to talk about (in a good way) on this blog, but Fran gets first crack because she rocks and she has a macaw.

 * Come to find out she does NOT have a macaw – even though she said she was getting one … filthy, filthy liar!

Things about having a blog that piss me off, besides calling it a blog I mean.

I’ve wanted to do this for a while, basically since day one, but saying that blogging sucks on the first day you blogged makes you a giant whiner. I am not a giant whiner, I’m a smallish whiner damn it.

So let’s get started with the whining, shall we?

This first one is directed at the people who run WordPress, hosts of this hadafewbeers.com thing. None of you are to blame for this issue (unlike the other issues, which we’ll get to, you bastards) but I felt like I had to share it.

When I write something, I make sure there are tons and tons of grammatical errors, misspelled words, run-on sentences, incoherent thoughts and finally lots of missing

See, see it happened again … damn it wordpress.com, why does this keep happening?

Then I hit a button, literally a button that says, “publish.”   Every time I hit this button I remember something I needed to do before I was ready to publish, (you know, like make a joke about boobs, include words in the update, remove that photo of my testicles that I found really, really funny last night but not so funny in the morning) so while the computer and the “internetz” are working together toward publishing the update I’m busy yelling out in my kitchen, “FUCK I FORGOT TONS OF SHIT I WAS GOING TO DO … FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!”

Dagmar loves that last part especially.

The retarded joke two paragraphs up aside, when I hit “publish” what I expect to happen is I’ll still be looking at the exact same screen I was looking at when I hit the button.

Not with WordPress, oh no. With WordPress, you get a retarded, “Congratulations, You’ve posted XXX number of updates” screen. Truth is I’ve only done about 75 of these “updates,” “blogs,” “posts,” “making an ass of myself,” whatever you call them, so maybe it’ll stop someday. I can’t imagine more senior people doing this getting a “Congratulations you’ve posted 42,136 posts,” screen but who knows.

I defer to sweet mother here, I defer and pray that someday it stops.

Next up, sex, and by next up I mean right f’ing now baby!

Fortunately these days I get more hits per day than the WordPress “stats/search terms” link indicates.  Meaning, it shows me the most popular search terms that brought a reader here, but it’s less than the actual readers who, presumably, read here.

Which is a good thing because the search terms make even me blush. I, at one point, (when they were the only hits I got here basically) encouraged it, but not anymore. If you’ve read here for more than 9 months you know what they are.   There is a new one though, a new one that makes no sense.

People are coming here because of beeg.com. Don’t fucking go there. Really. I mean it. And don’t come back and later say, “Well you can’t expect me to not go there when you said, ‘Don’t go there!’” Because, yes, yes I can expect you to not go there. First off, its silly. It appears to be the Huffpo of porn, meaning there’s no original content, just postings of porn from legit porn sites. My antivirus program caught on fire two seconds into my own visit. While I searched, and really it was a search – as in why are people coming to my retarded blog from here—I realized that if Dagmar walked in my legitimate research would not be easily explained.

Dagmar:  Are you looking at porn?

Me:  Well, technically yes, but it’s for the blog so its okay. In fact it’s kind of like work!

Which every husband knows, is exactly how that conversation would go.

This leads to my next issue … the fucking cat. Listen cat, can you stop leaving mouse heads on the door step? I mean look at that thing. It looks like a mafia warning. I realize this has nothing to do with blogging, boobs or with beer, but fuck, its gross kitty. Stop it.

Finally, I’d like to thank most of the world. You people rock. This retarded endeavor gets hits from all over the world and wow, that’s cool. I mean countries I would never expect to have a readership here …. have a readership here. I’m looking at you Canada with your 1,272 unique views – all of which were probably achieved by some chick named Whitney hitting control F5 over and over again – but still, you Canadian’s rock.

But Uruguay, Isle of Man and (this is a country?) Brunei Darussalam I need all

Come on Isle of Man … wtf?

of you to pick it up a bit, OK.   Each of you are in the single digits for visits. Step it!

I wouldn’t have thought I needed to remind ‘Isle of Man” about this sort of thing but, here we are.

Search Terms Shenanigans and Spam …

Hopefully this becomes a quick and easy way to update this place on the day’s I don’t feel like writing a bunch of crap don’t have anything ready.

Let’s call it Search Terms Shenanigans and Land of Spam …

First up Search Terms Shenanigans! I love looking at reasons people read my blog. Sometimes it’s exactly the search terms I’d suspect. Blog update about Rush Limbaugh and the Catholic Church would, you’d expect search terms like Rush, Limbaugh and Catholic Church. But sometimes …

Did you catch it? Kind of hard to miss “erectiond in mixed compamy” I guess.

Some delightful individual is out there googling erections in mixed company … and who am I to judge another man’s porn query. On the chance it’s an embarrassed 13 year old googling this because he’s worried all the kids in class are going to notice his ‘condition’ and laugh hysterically let me take a moment to assure you that they are all going to notice your condition and laugh hysterically.

And from the Land of Spam!

WordPress, seems to do a very good job of blocking spam posters. There are more spam posts than actual posts. The good news is that if I ever need a quick and easy virus (computer or sexual) I have hundreds and hundreds of links to choose from! Viagra questions, Ask me! Wondering where you can buy some cheap, not counterfeit meds? I’m your guy … but from the pits of the Land of Spam I found this:

I was helpful?

Sir, I assume you are a sir because helicopter flying game is a DAMN silly user name for girl (they should have names like hot vixen, horny co-ed or I HAVE BOOBS, as we all know).

Anyway sir, I would like to point out that I have NEVER offered anything remotely considered good advice here.