Tag Archives: United States

What the #$%@ do you people want?

I bet this girl doesn't check her stats. She doesn't have to, what with her being hot and all. http://finsnation.typepad.com/

I bet this girl doesn’t check her stats. She doesn’t have to, what with her being hot and all. http://finsnation.typepad.com/

I quit. Really, I fucking quit. There should be a Blogging 101 class you’re required to take before you start this crap.  Lesson one, day one should read something like, “Stats are a fucking mystery to us all, we recommend sacrificing a virgin at dawn to ensure good stats.”

This blogging shit is hard because I’ve become addicted to stats. Fran (editor extraordinaire)  says I am a people pleaser. She claims I’m eager to do what ever anyone wants to keep ’em coming back. But I don’t even really know Fran. She’s just some broad in North Carolina who (brilliantly ~ Fran) edits this drivel into a fun easy read. (She hopes ~Fran)

I don’t know why I obsess about it.I get the same exact amount of nothing if one person or a million people read this, so my obsession is similar to following Justin Bieber’s career.  I mean, if his career tanks tomorrow, sure you’ll be sad (dork), but you’re not out much. Same here with this effort.

Still though, what the fuck do these numbers mean?

There was a big uptick in March. Why?  February was down — man, it was down!  Why did so few people come here in February?  Was it something I said? In December and January we were up, baby! We had a lot of hits then. What the fuck does all this mean?

It means jack and shit. Nothing. It’s as pointless as changing your profile photo in support of a political cause. Which should mean SOMETHING to some of you, but likely won’t because no one reads this shit that deep except Fran and Marni … Sometime Maggie, but usually not and — fuck, what is this about again?

What the fuck is interesting to read here? Really, what do you find interesting to read here?

I didn't make this. I actually found it on a blog about gutters. A gutter cleaning blog by a gutter cleaner. He also wants people to read his blog. http://www.sparkle-king.com/

I didn’t make this. I actually found it on a blog about gutters. A gutter cleaning blog by a gutter cleaner. He also wants people to read his blog.
http://www.sparkle-king.com/

I think we need a poll. A good old-fashioned honest to “jebus” poll.  A poll that not only says, “This is what I expect out of this retarded blog, but also, this is what I would like out of this blog,” because if stats have told me anything it’s all about you, and I’m fucking all ABOUT you, or at least making you happy.  That sounds funny but it’s really, truly, honest. (See, I told ya. ~Fran)

I want to write things you will enjoy and read.

So, in an effort to figure out the whys, we can and shall — I decree — take a no-shit poll.

It’s right there above this paragraph, can you see it?  For the first time in the history of “Had a Few Beers” we have an real poll. You can’t vote 12 times, you can’t vote for “I like ponies.” You can’t do anything but vote.

Like a good ol’ I-love-God-and-Country American, we’re gonna vote.

I’m curious to see the results. So please vote.  Or leave a comment, comments are also good.

Look stop yelling at me, I’m not pro-gun control — mostly. Also I was only a pinko commie for like 3 days back in the 90s.

Look let’s clear the table okay?

Let’s get rid of the newspapers, the unopened mail, your key chain (which doesn’t belong on the table in the first place), the magazine you were reading this morning and that retarded salt and paper shaker you bought while on vacation to Niagara Falls in 2002 (I’ve always hated those anyway).

Is the table clear?

I have to be honest here, the image selection for 'clear table' left a lot to be desired.  It was mostly images of clear tables.  So here's a semi-naked chick saying fuck off.  Win, win right?

I have to be honest here, the image selection for ‘clear table’ left a lot to be desired. It was mostly images of clear tables. So here’s a semi-naked chick saying fuck off. Win, win right? (Photo credit: I found this while drunk and forget where)

Good.

Now to be clear myself (because I guess I wasn’t very clear) I’d like to state clearly the following.

I do not support gun control.

There I feel better.    Does that clear anything up?   Maybe not because if the comments and emails I’ve received are any indication, I can’t make a point to save my life.

That last update, the one made in the wake of the school shootings where some deranged madman killed 26 people, most of them children, hit a nerve it seems.   Which struck me as odd.  I expected pro-gun control people to call me out but the majority of the feedback, let me be honest here all of the feedback, I received was from the gun rights advocates.

What the fuck?   The, poorly penned perhaps, update was me saying to the pro-gun control people, ‘gun control’ shouldn’t be on the table and even if it is you cannot win the argument.

If we assume (and it’s a bit of  leap I grant) that pro gun control people are, for the most part, liberal and also favor such things as equal marriage rights for LBGT individuals, better nationalized (Obamacare) health care and every other left-leaning, ‘suck at the state’s tit while hard working Republicans pay for it program there is’ then that blog update was a plea for all of us to collectively shut the fuck up about gun control because to argue for it expends political capital in the manner that a problem gambler spends money in Vegas.

kids with gun equals fun

I really need to do a better job with photo credits. Not idea where I found this …

You’re not going to win the argument and you’ll spend vast resources trying to the defeat it all the while giving away the things you could have here and now.  It’s pointless, stupid and hurts only you in other words.

To anyone still in favor of current gun control policy that is still with me, I repeat, we should leave guns alone.

To anyone desiring stricter gun-control laws stay with me please.

Here’s part of my point lefties, and I’m with you on like 99% of our ideals, I just break away on this one.   I don’t break away because I think it’s a good idea that America be an armed society but rather because I see that this cannot be stopped.  Even if it is stopped, as I said before, with 220 million guns out there the minute you outlaw guns in America, only outlaws will have guns.   It will be, at a minimum, 50-years of chaos that will make24 dead kindergartners look like a Sunday morning bake sale.

This next part kind of sucks, and I honestly thought long and hard about writing it, but at the end of the day it’s 24 kids and it makes a good news story.

What’s the tired phrase, if it bleeds it leads?

It’s a kind of a popular defense for gun-right activists to say, “if the media would stop reporting these tragedies the way they do they wouldn’t happen.”  Indicating that the psychopaths that do them wouldn’t end up being infamous if no one talked about them and I guess at a base level they’re right but the media is a business and I for one cannot fault them for pushing what sells.

Hell that’s been the norm sense the Romans pitted the Christians against the lions and sold out the Coliseum.

Right or wrong, it sells.

And who are we to fuck with business, free markets always being ‘right’ and all.

Which leaves us with, it’s us.

Perhaps there is some Westborough Baptist Church solution here?  Maybe we all, pro- gun control and gun-rights advocates, could organize and collectively pee on the graves of each shooter on their death day as a sort of ‘fuck you, you’re not famous’ protest’.    Would the media cover it and if they did how cool would that be, news footage of all of us peeing on graves of mass-murderers, I’m laughing about the blurring they’ll have to do right now.

But that wouldn’t work either, not really.

This is a stupid argument unless it isn't.

This is a stupid argument … Unless it isn’t.

I also had this great, I mean it was great, argument about why the ‘ban cars because they kill more people than guns’ argument was stupid.

But as stupid as it is, it’s not really that stupid at all.

Damn it.

What those on the gun control side of the argument think their hearing when the gun right advocates say that is, “well this thing kills more people than guns so let’s ban it even though we know no one will!”

But the reality of the message is, “both of these technologies are here to stay, banning one is as pointless as banning the other and again, neither are going anywhere.”

Because, as I said before, 220 million fucking guns, that we know of.

Let me end this as I (tried) to start it.

Leave gun rights alone.    I have friends that own guns.  I have family that owns guns and I even enjoy shooting guns.  Ninety-nine point nine percent of gun owners are lawful and responsible gun owners.    A general ban on guns will only tear this country apart in a way not seen since the 1860s and gun ownership is a pointless point to do that again.

My next update, I promise, will have much more to do with boobs.

A Thanksgiving update … ‘cause I was too drunk, I mean full of turkey, to do it two days ago

I’m pretty sure there was something about Thanksgiving I was supposed to write about here.    Whatever it was it sure as shit seemed like it was funny at the time.   In fact the boss, not even my immediate supervisor but the B (with a capital B even) oss even said, you should put this in your blog.

To which I countered, “give me a laptop and I will right now,” because beer makes me enthusiastic about bad ideas.

I’m glad it didn’t happen.  Look after 40 beers things like, “Of course the USSR’s geo-political influence in the oil embargo of the 1970s cannot be ignored but that line of thinking only serves to minimize, I like boobies” comes out of my mouth and no one deserves that.

Also what the fuck is the Boss doing reading this crap?    Anyone else asking themselves that question?  Shouldn’t she be reading some sort of public affairs foreign policy think tank wonky shit?

I fear that during the next staff meeting she’ll utter something like, “And I want to really leverage our social media efforts on this, get with Jason and talk to him about his initiatives in that area, tell him you have my full support.   Also boobies.”

Anyway whatever the joke was … it was, trust me, funny.      I mean not as funny as getting whipped in my boxers wearing a cowboy leather jacket in front of a friend – that’s kind of a high-bar, you know?

But still it WAS funny.

If I told you right now, you’d totally be laughing.   So even though you’re not laughing right now rest easy in the knowledge that had I remembered you’d totally be laughing your tits/balls off at this very moment.

And really, isn’t it the thought that counts?

I mean I, having forgot what was so funny that night, still thought enough of you

and now for something...turkey

and now for something…turkey (Photo credit: atomicity)

to do this update. Without the fucking joke mind you, I wrote this all in an effort to make sure you knew that if I had remembered I’d have shared it here, for your enjoyment, because I love you fuckers just that much.

Tis the season and all.

I also want to point out that I have just wasted almost an entire Microsoft word document page writing a big joke about the joke I forgot.   I mean that’s also got to count for something.   Three hundred and forty- four words to explain “I forgot the joke” … I even amaze me.

Anyway it was a good fuck thanksgiving.  I know I personally led the competition on broken beer bottles (Todd 3, everyone else 0), making an ass of yourself and inappropriate remarks for $200.   So that’s good stuff.

I was reading, on some internet message board today, stories about extended families annoying each other during Thanksgiving and being overseas I sometimes wish I could annoy the hell out of some family but, it’s not to be.    More so than other holidays, namely because it is such an American holiday, American’s living overseas I think tend to congregate into clusters for Thanksgiving.

And cluster we did.

Before we had Thanksgiving dinner a baby puked on me, which is only noteworthy to people that don’t have babies, like me.  Take that, other non-baby having people!   In. Your. Face!

The family that hosted us does that ‘everyone holds hands for grace’ thing.   My family was more the join your hands together to pray kind of deal.

“No one touch anyone else damn it, we’re about to pray” was a very common phrase during our families’ Thanksgiving celebration.

Both, in my retarded opinion, are pointless but why should we make a giant circle?  Does God like that more?  If so why?   God’s weird I tell you, weird.  It’s as if Gods thinking, “Well I’d totally bless your family and keep those guys in harm’s way safe but you’re all not holding hands in a giant circle so, fuck that.”

Maybe it’s a thing where if you have more than one person doing it, it’s got more power?   That’s the issue with prayer, there’s no way to measure how effective it was.    We had like 20 people holding hands in a circle prayer.   What if the cut off is 21 people?  As in 20 people has just enough ‘pray-power’ to ALMOST get to God but not quite.   With 21 you’re a solid in.

It’s thoughts like these that got me removed from most Sunday Schools when I was little …

We had a no crap, honest to god, German at our thanksgiving.   She’s dating one of the younger guys I work with (I think they’re TOTALLY having sex – don’t tell anyone) and came to Thanksgiving.  Turns out she lived in New York for years so this story is kind of pointless.

Joke

What the fuck WordPress?  This photo is tagged as joke, why?  You know here I am trying to do this fucking retarded update, looking for a photo and you fuckers show me a semi-hot chick.   So I get distracted because, she’s semi hot and barefoot.   Why the fuck is this labeled joke?  You people suck.  Also happy Thanksgiving assholes in the photo-tagging department, I hate all of you.(Photo credit: PitsLamp photography) 

Anyway happy belated Thanksgiving all, this would have been a rockin’ Thanksgiving update if I had just remembered the joke.

Had a few beers gets hit with the crazy and I liked it.

Hey there …

How are you?  Comfortable I hope, I mean I hope you’re not reading this on a mobile device while being yelled at, made uncomfortable or otherwise pissed off.

But if you are then I hope this helps ease the burden …

Metaphorically I mean of course, not physically.   If you’re on fire at the moment then obviously reading this will not help with the searing and blistering pain.

Laughter, in this sort of case, is clearly not the best medicine and you should also put the fire out you idiot.

Geeze.

When I started this blog I considered two things.  I liked beer and chicks might send me photos of their boobs.

Nate fucking Silver I ain’t.  But I was half right.  I do like beer.

beards

See I had a beard, I liked beer and loved boobs, I was READY to start a blog.

It’s been an okay success though.   I mean I had a beard and a shitty cat video when I started this blog so how hard could it be?  Drink some beers, say ‘fuck’ a lot, put some plastic army men and dinosaurs on a BMW hood, set the blender to ‘evaporate any hints of professionalism you have left’ and serve chilled.

I gotten a few phone calls, a few emails, a few private messages and a few comments from people saying they really enjoy reading it and that’s all this is about.   If you laugh a bit while reading this then that’s all I want.  If you’re having a tough poop while reading this in the crapper and it ‘helps’ I’m happy.

The first, well in my mind at least, popular post was the one about visiting America after so many years in socialist … err I mean Europe.     It was so popular someone posted a mean comment which hell if that doesn’t equal read by 100 people I don’t know what does!

Then I got in trouble once at work about a few updates last summer so I knew I was hitting it big time because …

(Legal Team:  This is the, and I hate that he makes me do this, “The Had a few beers” legal team, which is stupid because I’m one person.  I, I mean We, have to interject here, Hadafewbeers and his employer entered into an agreement where both parties agreed to never mention the subject of said ‘blog post’ or ‘blog posts’ again.  It was further determined that the subject of the agreement never actually, conclusively, displayed his genital at any time during the incident.  I owe Todd a lot of favors because one time in Vegas …

((…  Hi, this is the Had a Few Beers Legal Team’s Legal team:  Look legal team, we’re not going into ‘the incident’ here, the Vegas incident of note is still under investigation and any mention of said ‘incident’ is out of line.))

… and five kittens died!)

… so I put my penis back in my pants, even though I didn’t want to, and signed the form.

So one full page of bullshit intro later, let’s talk about comments.   The bad comments I mean and by bad I mean weird and by weird I mean what the fuck.

Word press does a good job of weeding out the spam, I get to see them and they’re sort of funny but not really.   Dick-pill jokes only go so far you know?  If you just laughed at that last sentence I love you.

Other than that, when starting this I gave very little thought to comments other than, delete idiots, try to engage everyone else.

But I was unprepared for 32@yahoo.com … you can’t prepare for someone that considers a username and picks a number I realize but still I failed totally.   I just, when I saw his comments, hid them from you and I was wrong to do that .   I don’t know if he would have come back to talk to us, I think of him as a simple bird sweeping over this little blog while pooping, eating, scratching and then flying off.

On October 11th he, using basically a different username for each comment (but the same email address), made a series of HYSTERICAL comments that I stupidly hid as spam.   I don’t know if I had engaged him if he would have reengaged with me.  I just know that in retrospect, he was fucking bat-fuck crazy and I miss him.

Luckily they’re still there, I undid the did and now (I think) they’re visible.

The story about vacuum cleaners was what first attracted his brand of crazy to the Hadafewbeers.com wall of fame and he chimed in with an amazing four comments, under four different usernames in the span of 20 minutes.   I’ve never done the math on that until right now and all I can come up with is ‘good fucking job.’   Not even I’m that crazy about vacuums and I wrote words about them.

So let’s dive into the crazy shall we?  To ease some of the confusion, I’ve left the spelling alone and have bolded and italicized 32’s comments.

Sex, booze and vacuum cleaners … life in the middle lane

He wrote as Herold:   “Compliments and an evaluation are two words that are not synonomous.”

Which I don’t even know what the fuck that means but it gets better.

Regarding the same update, vacuum cleaners mind you, but with user name, The Half-Hearted Hardy Boy, he left the following comment (in a new font and type size I should add) that said:

 “Just because a woman already knows that her bosom is large does not make it O.K. to insult a man who tells her she is stacked, she ought to accept the compliment anyway, even if she knew it beforehand, thats the lady-like thing to do, thats called manners, something more women on our planet should have been taught.”

We can deconstruct “Just because a woman already knows (cause they don’t

generally know?) that her bosom (you mean tits right?) is large does not make it O.K. to insult a man …” later, the crazy gets SO much better.

This time as Kyle Mile but again in response to vacuum cleaners we have:

It’s not O.K. that women overreact and bellyache everytime somebody says something nice about their bosoms and rearends, thats childish, improper conduct thats not befitting true womankind or mankind. And an opinion and compliment are similar and somewhat different, but compliments have nothing to do with evaluation, an evaluation means being tested and judged,how can giving someone a compliment have anything to do with that? Why would I want to evaluate you with a compliment, notice how ridiculous that sounds in the same sentence those words combined?

It was after reading that I began to suspect a friend was fucking with me until the next comment, still on vacuums mind you, by Don Juan (a name he will keep for two comments and about a different post) wrote:

I could phantasize about what it would be like if my penis got caught in the middle of that bosom, couldn’t move, stuck between

did I mention I like boobs?

Dude, you want to do what to the who?  Jesus fuck! Look the photo was sent to me and I didn’t even have thoughts as debauched as yours … you fuck.

that deep cleavage, shot a load in the middle of her bosom, if it was with her bosom covered with a sports bra, that would look and feel heavenly.”

The fuck you say?  That one is one of my favorites.  It’s got it all and the crazy really comes to the top in a delicious layer of ‘what the fuck’ separated only by an undercurrent of ‘dead hookers in the basement’.   We’ve got his penis, sports bras and ejaculation.   It’s a trifecta if I ever saw one.   A lot of you ladies are going to be asking me for more info about Don Juan after that one, I’m sure.

Next Don Juan not only finds a new post to comment on, he educates us.     I feel better, hopefully you will too in a moment.

“Why do over half a million women have to act like boobs, by calling their breasts boobs all the time? Why not call them breasts instead, thats what they are, their not boobs, boobs would sound more like birds. And whats wrong with saying things like, dear, mademoseille, sweetcheeks, etc.? Overreaction to whistling men by women is not O.K. Women overreacting to compliments about their bosoms and rearends is not O.K. All compliments should have been O.K. but overreacting to compliments is not O.K. and to hassle men with those overreactions should have become a crime.”

This, THIS is an awesome comment.  It’s got oddly specific numbers (half a million) followed by some lessons in ornithology and concludes with some pondering about future U.S. Law.  Also all you bitches, I’m sorry all you mademoseilles, it would seem, have been put on notice.

Understand sweetcheeks?

Regarding the same topic, but with a name change to The Overreacter to compliments of the Breasts, not boobs, which he will keep until his tirade is concluded (I.e. two more comments) we learn  

“Why do so many millions of people throughout the world waste their hard earned money on harlots? Why do that many women, which is half the population think they need a free hand-out of money that usually is one hundred sixty dollars for a massage and sexual intercouse? That just cheapens the experience.”

I can answer this.   Because unlike you they don’t keep any live victims chained up in their basements?  Am I right?  I’m right aren’t I?   And what’s this $160 bullshit dude in downtown Frankfurt right now for like 50 euro you can … I’ve said too much.

Sadly only two more to go folks, believe me I miss him as much, if not more, than you.

Regarding the same post, I was ranting about the Secret Service’s ‘hide the salami’ fiasco down south, we have:   

“Our planet would have been a better place without harlotry,police,feminists,judges, and courts, as well as no armies of soldiers, and women who like to critique and critisize the compliments they get all the time even on this machine they can’t seem to keep their comments to themslves, who would have been as a race if we didnt have liars on our planet, including those who lie about compliments received.”

Okay dude we need the police and judges and I’m sort fans of both harlots AND feminists (the hot kind at least).   The crazy here has gone up to eleven, clearly.    And well shit if you dump the police and the judges then sure, get rid of the courts but … wait, you’re just fucking crazy aren’t you?

He is.

The last comment was made on a post that I absolutely, positively pulled straight out of my ass while drinking.   Ruth Sternberg, wife of a dear friend and a dear friend herself, once told me in a very personal manner (she posted it to my facebook feed) that Hemmingway allegedly said, write drunk, edit sober.   Sage advice except the post about what should happen at my funeral (I stand by all of it) was written drunk, edited drunk and published drunk.    Regardless the jokes just flew past dear The Overreacter to compliments of the Breasts, not boobs.  

Remember this is a post where I basically set the most outlandish, might as well have my funeral underwater, set of instructions for what should happen when I die.

“Why would he want anyone without shirts and brassiers on at his wake for, thats an odd request isn’t it?”

Yeah.  That’s the odd bit Overreacter, that’s the odd bit.

I still miss him.

German driving tips … you can do it naked, while merging and while peeing. Just don’t pass on the right.

It occurred to me today, while driving of course, that I’ve done a disservice to fellow blogger, nay friend, Oh God My Wife Is German*.   You see he just moved to Germany, from Seattle I think, to join his wife.   If not Seattle then from the U.S. anyway and I, having lived here for the past five years should have offered him some driving advice.

I’m sorry OGMWIG, truly sorry.  I hope this makes up for it.

So as a public service announcement to anyone reading this that might find themselves driving someday in Germany and to OGMWIG I offer the following tips for driving in Germany.

Tip one:

Always, always collect photos of funny words on license plates.  In the European Union, well in the German part of the EU at least, license plates always consist of three or four letters followed by three or four numbers.   The numbers are rarely funny.

But the letters, they occasionally lead to hilarity.

You’ll find a good number of ‘ass’ ones and the occasional ‘fuk’ or ‘fuc’ and I always laugh at the ones that say ‘shit’ because really how funny is that?

But the winner goes to a good friend and co-worker.

He found the “klit” and to steal his own joke.

Trust me, though fuzzy, it says Klit. I’m just shocked it was found.

“I found it .. I found the Klit!”

Tip two:

Never pass on the right.

Seriously, the Germans while otherwise an understanding and caring society lose their shit over this.     I used to do it, no more.  Really if it means I need to go 5 KPH in the right lane so that I don’t pass the retard doing 6 KPM to my left, I’m a driving 5 KPH.

I could tell my German neighbors that I am only sexually aroused by male puppies that have been ritually shaved by midgets that are then lit on fire… they would respond with kindness, understanding and tolerance (seems something bad happened here back in the 30s and 40s, I don’t know) but should I confess to a right-lane pass of a vehicle, BAMO – I’d be beaten with sticks in the road and kicked.

So don’t pass on the right.

Tip three:

If there is room enough, literally room enough, for your car to merge in front of another then merge away.

You’re going to have to develop some seriously attuned spatial-reasoning skills because Germans can park, merge or otherwise cram their cars into spaces the size of shoeboxes.    Which fits the National stereotype nicely I think but still baffles the American psyche sometimes.

We’re Americans after all.  We’re used eight ‘god blessed and usually backed up’ lanes of super highway outside of Los Angles for the love of god.   Our parking spaces would be cattle grazing fields here.  In American when I merged I demanded, DEMANED WITH CAPITAL LETTERS, two football (American football at that) fields in front of me and one behind me.  Further I expected the national anthem to play when I put on my turn signal on four miles back and usually anticipated that angels would sing too me as I slowly, ever so slowly, drifted into the other lane.

Not here.

Here it’s all

“Can I make it?”

“Go!”

Countless times on the Autobahn I’ve been driving a safe and sane 250 KPH approaching a semi on the right lane with a four-cylinder plastic car behind it.

Now that driver has to calculate, as I head toward him at speeds far exceeding my IQ, how long I will have to stop, can he jump into the left lane fast enough to give me enough warning and am I currently writing this blog on my phone while driving?

The fuckers always always do it.   One minute you’re rocking out to Lionel Richie’s ‘All night long’ and the next minute everything from the backseat is hitting you in the back of the head, the breaks are on fire and you’ve, again, pooped yourself.

Tip four:

The Germans are better drivers than Americans are.

By and large they are.  Get over it.  It takes like 20 years and costs the national debt of Greece to get a license here.   Also if you really want to have fun over beers some night ask an older German how Greece is doing.

Never mind, don’t do that.

Point is that, by and large, they are better drivers than we are because we learned from our dads and they learned from someone with a PHD in driving.

My dad:  “Son when someone’s riding your ass your best bet is to slam on your brakes and teach them people a lesson!”**

German PHD driving instructor: “Ven das car behind you ist too close you must maintain ze current speed und no vary your velocity!”

There are tons, tons and tons of antidotal stories I’ve heard about Germans being fucked-up drivers, most of them I can fully believe.   Can I believe a friend saw a German dusting the dashboard of his new car with an unused paint brush at 120 KPH?

You bet I can.

I think I can prove they’re better drivers, apart from the no-speed limit autobahn thing.

Let’s play ‘let’s pretend’ for a moment.   Let’s pretend the governors of California, Oregon and Washington State decided collectively that not only was a speed limit unnecessary on parts of I95 but that it should be declared an honest to shit race track.

What would be the result?

If your answer to that hypothetical was, ‘the 82nd Airborne division’ and ‘a state of national emergency,’ you and I agree.

But the Germans, those whacky Germans, they gave us nurburgring and the less famous hockenheimring, stretches of actual road that I’m led to believe are used by normal 9 to 5 commuters and people that want to drive their cars to level 11.

Grandma taking the grandkids to a kid movie and a new Porsche owner really working the gears, on the same road … the mind melts.

Tip Five:

You can pee anywhere you like.    Well almost anywhere.

All those little parking areas along the autobahn, you know the ones.  The ones with the picnic tables no one seems to use that are always populated by trucks with truckers sleeping in them.

They’re basically open air urinals.

Weird I know.

You never see whole families at these places, using the bathroom or even using the picnic tables (because they smell like pee).  You just see truckers sleeping and men in suits peeing …

Tip six:

And I saved the best for last man.

You can drive naked.    You and the wife can tool around the German countryside naked as they day you were both born.   I look forward to the stories.

Seriously I heard it from a German friend so it must be true.   Seems a German man during the one hot day a year in Germany decided that air conditioning was for suckers and that he’d be cooler (metaphorically and physically maybe) driving naked.   It was a great plan until the popo pulled him over and gave him a ticket for, wait for it, driving naked.

Later though, to the judge, he argued that he had every right to be naked inside of his own property (like his house) and that his car was in fact his own property so what was the problem?

The judge let him off.   So go ahead and drive around naked, I’m 100 …. Well … 90 … well 60 percent … okay check with an attorney first on that one.

* Read this blog.  It’s about an American that married a German and moved here, HILARITY.  Oh God My Wife I German is too funny, if you don’t read it I hate you, a lot with like extra hate.

** My dad was actually a driving teacher so that never happened.  His actual advice at the time would have been more akin to “Son we aren’t getting home until you get this car going off this hill in first gear.”  It took three weeks.

G-Gank gives me an intervention … the jerk.

Democrats …. Always right except for when they’re wrong and then still mostly right. Yeah G-gank doesn’t do the photo captions. (Photo credit, Wikipedia)

Anyone who is a Jew is the Devil.  Anyone who is a Methodist is freaking jack-off.   Anyone who is Catholic has been brain washed.  Yup there are people that believe this, and say this…. Just like there are people who call you a fucking asshole for the political party you freely choose to endorse. Let’s just suppose that everyone in the United States became a Democrat….  Would the world be a better place?  I don’t think it would, because differences are what challenge people to achieve greater things.

Flag of the United States on American astronau...

Neil Armstrong America’s greatest cyclist. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If we were all Communists, then the space race would have never happened and Neil Armstrong would have been just another guy who raced in the tour de France.

If we were all from Jamaica, sure we would all have killer weed, but shit…. nothing would ever get done because we would all be baked.  (Actually, I firmly believe that the DEA should surrender all confiscated weed to Congress… that would be awesome to see them totally stoned…. it would totally promote harmony.)

You do not have to agree with a person’s political or religious belief but dam it you should not be critical to the point of making personal attacks on that person.  You should commend that person for their beliefs and think openly about the views of others.  It is the closed-minded person who is the real piece of shit for they never expand their thinking and will never achieve greatness.

I lived with a guy who was an atheist and for the life of me I don’t know how he could live his life that way, but I never ridiculed him for his way of thinking.  I have friends who are drum-pounding Democrats but do not think any less of them because of their beliefs.  In fact I try to understand what drives them.  Hell, I have voted for republicans and democrats….  For me it’s not what party they belong to it’s what the individual stands for.

Of course I wish everyone in the world was like me but that would be a really screwed up world.  More importantly, if everyone was like me, I would never be able to get a Tee time at the Golf Course

Now to the point of this whole piece…

When you … I feel … Because …  And I want …

Todd Oliver (the guy running hadafewbeers) please sit down – this is your

Photo caption is “i got nothing” other than I totally stole this from the History Channel. Photo credit, the History Channel.

intervention.

I know you are my friend but:

When you  – say I am an idiot for supporting a republican, or being a Catholic,

I Feel – Angry and Sad.

Because – your words are hurtful I think it jeopardizes our friendship.

And I want – you to be more considerate for my feelings and have a little respect for my freedom of choice.

Is there anyone else in the room that wants to say something to Todd?

Ok, I see some of you are a bit hesitant to speak up and that’s OK.  Just the fact that you are here today re-enforces the fact that you love Todd.  Not the kind of head-banging love that would bestow upon a big-titted stripper but rather the kind of love one gives to a dear friend.

So the next time you are quick to judge any of us who pay homage to God, Buddha, Jesus, or that fucking 6-hose water bong just remember the world is a better place because we are different and not everyone has to think like you…  so stop forcing people to suck on that Democratic Donkey Dick, after all if we all sucked it there would be nothing left for you.

Master Cleanse dieter not dead but wished he was… Also now eating ‘food’

Fad diet boy is back!   You can read all about his previous experience with Master Cleanse here.

Master Cleanse Post Mortem

Well, that escalated rather quickly. Nearly two days into my ten-day Master Cleanse diet, it was over just as quick as it had begun. It was a strange experience to say the least, but then what should one expect when they embark on a ten day cleansing/starvation/

On day two of the cleanse, I weighed in at 187.2 lb. That means in just 24 I had dropped 5 lb. ‘Not too shabby,’ I thought at first. Half way to my goal in just a tenth of the time allotted. My girlfriend was less enthusiastic. “That’s dangerous,” she says, “It’s not healthy. You should probably stop!”

Sweet, sugary Brach's lemon drops. Made with r...

Lemons, God’s way of saying you’re a fat ass! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, on I went into day two! The hunger pangs got bad every couple of hours. The diet recommends drinking (i.e. choking back) the lemonade 6 to 10 times a day. If you haven’t tried it, I can tell you, that’s no easy feat. The preparation for this stuff is annoying enough. The lemon juice has to be fresh squeezed and you have to finish it within 5 to 10 minutes of squeezing. God forbid anyone drink 11 minute old lemonade … now that would be unhealthy! That means having a ton of organic lemons available, and diligently preparing the cocktail every couple of hours. Then, it’s still just spicy lemonade, so there’s not a lot of satisfaction once it’s done.

What made day two even more unbearable was all the food surrounding me. My colleague, we’ll call her ‘Janne,’ sits about three feet from me in my office and had an early lunch. I could smell her sandwich before I could see it, but once I did, it was not a big help in my self-starving efforts. The thing was bigger than her head. It looked like someone folded a pizza over and sold it as a sandwich. ‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ I thought! But that was just the start …

After skipping lunch, my task at work for the afternoon was to shoot a

This image shows a Large Cayenne.

Fad diet authors have all the luck, I’d love to trick people into drinking lemon juice with hot peppers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

commercial on nutrition at the local school cafeteria. So this meant bringing in a wide assortment of food, (chicken wings, sandwiches, veggies, fruit salad) in for the shoot. Food that I had to smell, see, shoot etc. for hours!  This is the point when I realized, ‘Yeah dude, God totally hates me … ‘

I didn’t last much longer after that. At the end of the day my girlfriend was hounding me to go get food and go grocery shopping, so finally I caved.

I read somewhere on the internet that anyone can lose weight on a 1200 calorie a day diet (believe it or not, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper six times a day adds up to 1200) whether on liquids or solids. So I resolved to aim for lower calories but still eat food. We picked up veggies, shrimp and brown rice. We cooked that with no butter, salt or additives and it was one of the most rewarding meals ever.

Two lessons I take away from my two-day-crash-fad-diet-bender:

A.)   Fasting is tougher than I thought it would be, but not impossible. I resolve to try it again every once in a while. We have so much around us that we have to learn moderation when it comes to satisfying urges and craving, but that’s not how we evolved. I think a little hunger is good now and then. It helps you appreciate the simple things.

B.)    Like most Americans, I pretty much believe anything I read on the internet.

By the way, did you know Obama’s from Kenya? And he’s actually gay?!

Rodney King’s autopsy shows we’re all idiots again, of COURSE he died with drugs in his system

The medical report’s in.  Turns out Rodney King died in his pool with a shit-ton of drugs and booze in his body and we as American’s suck, I’m not even going to add insult to injury with a phrase like ‘we American’s suck balls,’ it just sucks.

Why did we make fun of him, of his response to the situation into which he was thrust?  I know I did it too.  “Can’t we all just get along?”

Can’t we?

Fuck, really can’t we?

The simple answer is, “We can’t.”

We’re collectively too behind much of the modern world to look past the color of a person’s skin to do such.

Rodney saw it and said it.

Screenshot of footage of King beaten by LAPD o...

Holy crap sir, there is a bee on you! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Look the guy got his ass beat by the police, whether that was a ‘just’ ass-beating or an ‘unjust’ ass-beating does not matter, it’s what happened next that matters.

Riots broke out, across the country.  Riots about racial inequality, riots about police brutality and riots that we are still largely a nation of bigots broke out.

A repressed underclass took to the streets to voice their displeasure with ‘American Justice’ and what did the man that was the spark that set the riot to flame do, he asked us to get along.

He said, “Can’t we all just get along?”

And we mocked him for it.

No Mr. King.  We’re too busy saying your skin color is too black for my liking and yours is too brown for my liking and fuck all … we can’t do what you ask, we can mock it to no end but we can’t do the very simple thing you ask.

We can’t just get along.

I just deleted a few paragraphs because they were an attack on the political right, it may or may not have been a valid attack on the right, we’ll never know because I deleted them.  Anyone with any political brain at all can Google “voter registration” and form, what I feel, is a logical opinion.   It’s not a problem that needs fixing, it’s a problem the right needs to solve to serve their agenda.

It’s more the political left that left me pissed off, yeah you see what I did there.   We’re all tired of that meme, I’ll drop it post haste.

Where were you?   Why did his “can’t we all just get along” become mockery and not an anthem?   I was too politically naive at the time to give a shit but really shouldn’t the answer have been, “no really can’t we?”

Homosexual men, lesbians, immigrants, union members, government workers, middle class voters … all of you, myself included, I call to you, why isn’t “can’t we all just get along” equal to “all men are created equal”?

Delete the word men feminists reading this and use the term it’s meant to represent, human, why didn’t we all rally around that phrase, why was it mocked?

Rodney King never asked to be thrust into the spotlight but when he was he took the high road and said, boiled down, we’re all humans … We mocked him for that simple point.

We should be ashamed and I pray the history books are kinder to him than our collective idiocy was.   He was in the face of overwhelming  pressure, calmer than most of would have been.

“Can’t we all just get along?”

No Rodney, we can’t, there’s still a lot of work to do.  Rest in peace though, you took the high road when we fucked it up, yet again.

Guest Blogger G-Gank: From the Dysfunctional Mind of G-Gank.

So yeah, I’m phoning it in this week.  

First a blog about someone that thought consuming nothing but lemon juice, cayenne pepper sauce and maple syrup for 10 days was a great weight loss plan (no update after day one so  I presume he’s dead) we have G-Gank, a frequent commenter here, with the following.   

— Had a few beers.  (P.S. G-Gank this is really hysterical, I hope you do more here)

So I’m blogging….  WTF is wrong with this picture?  I’ve only read a few blogs in my life and they were all pretty cool but it’s not like I give a rats ass what anyone has to say because let’s face it 70% of our society is just really fucked up.
 
In the past 48 hours I have been bombarded with crazy-ass statistics that make me want to choke a random person on the street because it would probably make their life a hell of a lot better.  The other night I was shocked to hear that 5% of the population are hoarders, then my boss told me this morning that 2% are sociopaths.  Randomly, another friend informed me that Pedophiles make up 3% of the population (I have no idea how this came up but people always offer me random shit because they know I will enjoy it…. because they think I’m strange.)  So in just 48 hours I discovered 10% of the freaking world is really fucked in the head.  So it’s safe to assume that 70% is a realistic number.
 
I find this fucking hysterical because people always think I’m strange!!!!! … fuck them.  I’m one of those “what-you-see” is “what-you-get people” and a lot of people just can’t deal with that.  I hide nothing and that is shocking to many people.  I’m sure the consensus is that I’m a bit strange and maybe too straight forward.   I make it quite clear that I masturbate and I enjoy it.  I have 6 cats and 3 dogs and spend thousands of dollars every year on them.  I rather spend a week in the woods with my dogs than 15 minutes talking to any “normal” person.  I guess that does make me strange, eh?
 

Parked next to a hoarder.

Like this only more house than car. (Photo credit: Aric McKeown)

My former co-worker Frank was considered normal; in fact he was admired…. Great all-around guy, father, husband, who devoted much of his time to the Boy Scouts of America….. That is until the FBI came to our Federal Office at the EPA and arrested him for soliciting young boys on his Government Computer. Apparently the fucking guy loved to smell boy’s underwear.  But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about wacking off.
 
Then there is my buddy Carl, 35 years as a federal employee, awesome dude….  was at Woodstock!  (Pretty sure he still smoked weed).  Well his wife almost died in their house because the fucking paramedics could not get the stretcher into the bedroom because he had turned his house into a fucking landfill.  There was shit everywhere. How does one live this double life and hide the fact that you need to keep the April 21st classifieds from 1972?  Dude clean that shit up. But remember….  I’m the strange one because I talk about getting blow jobs from hookers in Thailand.

And I'm the one that's weird

Having sex with 6-year-olds = bad. A PSA from hadafewbeers.com

Then there was the good old Petty Officer 1st Class Hitchcock loved by everyone and just an awesome Sailor (see attached Photo).  He was just about to retire from the United States Navy and buy that fishing boat of his dreams…. that is until the NCIS and the Jacksonville Police came and snatched him up for raping his next door neighbors little girl. Poooooooor  Hitchcock exclaimed the command, as I yelled kill that fucking freak!  I was crucified for pre-judging this guy prior to the judge giving him a life sentence.  Yeah I’m just so inconsiderate… because I wanted to put a bullet in that rapists skull. 
 
Yeah I’m not invited to cocktail parties….. hell most of my friends don’t want me around their families because they know what I am capable of saying or doing.  I say go fuck yourselves…  I’ll stay at home with my pets, maybe watch some porn…  and you just invite that quite, well groomed co-worker to your house to meet your wife and children….  after all he’s quite normal and harmless?  Or maybe you could invite that Minnesota State Representative Kerry Gauthier after all he a great American Patriot…. Oh wait is that the same elected official who was just caught at a rest stop getting a blow job from a 17-year-old boy? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/21/kerry-gauthier-minnesota-lawmaker_n_1819601.html

Yeah, yeah the Olympics … yawn.

Kittens are cute, unless they're killing stuff ...

Kittens are cute, unless they’re killing stuff …

This is a Had A Few Beers Blog first.  This update is a confession, and its not going to be a popular one.  Most of you will exit out of this blog with haste, swear loudly for ever allowing yourself into being fooled into reading this in the first place.  

A few of you will vomit in revulsion.  Someone may in fact faint.

No. I don’t hate kittens (I love kittens).  I’ve never kicked a baby (I love babies) and I’ve never robbed an elderly person (more than once).

It’s just that …

The Olympics bore me.  

There I said it. 

Let the hate mail flow in. 

You see I was born without the sports gene.   I blame my Mom.   Dad’s side of the family has the sports gene, Mom’s side of the family clearly lacks it.

You see I’ll play your goddamn sport, I don’t care what it is I’ll go out on the field and utterly make an ass of myself trying hard and wrecking my body in the process but fuck if I care how professionals or Olympians (is there a difference) play it.   I’ll even enjoy playing (albiet poorly) it.  But I could care less about watching it.  

But I’ll play basketball with you and I’ll suck at it but I’ll try my best.  I’ll get creamed as in “OH SHIT THAT HURT,” by someone twice my size playing American football but I’ll at least get the ball a few yards closer to the goal before that happens.

But when it comes to watching any sport (pro or otherwise) on TV, here is my rating on a scale of one to ten of their importance to me.  Ten being more awesome than a topless beer drinking contest and one being equal to a math test.

College football:  1

Pro sports of any kind: -78

Army vs. Navy Football: 1.002

Army vs. Navy anything else: Who cares?

Baseball: My balls itch, I should Google why my balls itch.

Hockey: see next entry.

Boxing: Jesus, ouch!   Why the hell do they … okay 1.00000003.  No, no it’s like -1.0000001, screw that.

Golf:  I suck, and I had lessons too, GOD I really sucks -1,000,000!

Point is I don’t give a shit about most sports and surely don’t give a shit about the Olympics.   I don’t care if the Chinese swimmer snorted

What the hell do you mean the Chinese have six more medals than ... oh who gives a shit ...

What the hell do you mean the Chinese have six more medals than … oh who gives a shit …

performance enhancement drugs off the Olympic organizer’s penis, then looked into the camera and said “haha American I use ‘roids’ so f’ you”. 

I say load the bastards up on drugs.  We already KNOW what the limits of the human body can do and even if we don’t the difference is measured in like milliseconds.  

With dope these athletes will absolutely shatter the records.  The testing shouldn’t be a matter of ‘do they have performance enhancing drugs in their systems’ it should be do they have ‘enough performance enhancing drugs in their systems?’

Did competitor X from country Y just test positive for excessive amounts of feral-dog testicle extraction?  

Yes? 

This year's Olympic Games are sponsored by Anabolic steroids!

This year’s Olympic Games are sponsored by Anabolic steroids!

Everyone can get awesome discounts at the roids store where you will find fat burning supplements and more.

Great get them on the field and for the love of god let the fans know.

I’m also the guy that wrote to Lance Armstrong and recommended that he put a nitrous canister into his anus for added performance during the race’s final leg so I might just be outside the mainstream here.

My phone just buzzed and that’s means there’s an ‘important news update.’  This happened because I set my phone to only buzz when there are important updates.

Like you know when Madonna flashed her over 50-year-old ass at a concert in Rome ?   Those kinds of updates.   You know, important shit updates.

No the ‘news alert’ is about someone, and I assume it’s an American someone, won a gold in something at the Olympics.   You can be on a cereal box now, congradufuckinglations.

We are so doing this wrong.

Which leads me to the following statement;  fuck sports on TV all together.

Seriously fuck them, fuck the players, fuck the coaches and mostly fuck you, the fans.

What the fuck do they do?  Why did Joe Paterno have a fucking statue on campus in the first place?  Because he led a group of young men to better fight over a football than another group of young men? 

A football costs like what, twelve bucks, maybe twenty, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s a hundred bucks but for fuck’s sake please stop fighting over it assholes. You’re not heroes to anyone and the game is pointless.   It may be fun to watch, sure, but it’s fucking pointless.

Same with the Olympics, and oddly they piss me off more.  Let’s just play a thought game.   What if fucking Guam wins EVERY gold medal there is.  I don’t care what the contest, they win every gold medal there is in it.  

The day after the Olympics, Russia is still Russia, Germany is still Germany, China is still China and Guam is still Guam.  

I don’t get it, I never will.  

I see the appreciation for a talented sports figure, I do.  Anyone that has trained themselves to that level deserves a look; they deserve your ‘appreciation’ maybe but do they deserve the level of fame they achieve? 

Certainly they do not. 

The Roman’s got this crap right 2,000 years ago.   Gladiators, charioteers and actors were famous but they were the lower rung run of society and you wouldn’t be caught dead talking to one.  Okay maybe it shouldn’t be that bad but they’re not glowing examples of all that’s good in the world with the exception of Michael Phelps and the bong incident, which was hysterical and classic.

My boss reads this blog.   I know because he has had to ‘talk to me’ once, twice or every update about the content here. 

He love’s sports.

I don’t. 

One of the most interesting talks we’ve ever had (non-work related at least) is about the whole Penn state fiasco.   

Child molestation aside, and no you can’t ever put that aside, I’ll never understand why we elevate people who are basically either A: chasing something meaningless (the ball) or B: directing the chasing of something meaningless (the game result) to hero like status.

Why did we do that?  What beyond their ability to chase a ball around did they do to tell us they were good people?  Sure there are exceptions, but they prove the rule.  They chase a ball around a court for no purpose other than it pays well.  You followed the ‘ball’ well, why?  It paid a lot of money and/or fame and/or the attention it gets you that’s why.

The result makes no difference and my brain cannot swallow it.

You know an award I could get behind?  The award that thanks Guatemala, China, Japan, the U.S., Russia and that country we all hate, yeah that one, for putting a manned mission on Mars and returning them home safely.  That award means something.  

Not to you?   Fuck Mars you say?  I don’t agree but I can get behind your disagreement, let’s put it toward ending world hunger, disease, war or stopping me from ever blogging again.

Any of that is better than the amount of effort we spend on fencing, I don’t care what your nationality. 

Because seriously fencing, who the fuck fences?