Tag Archives: Jesus

Two things that piss me off: “I’m blessed” and bumper stickers.

This happened to me today with a total stranger.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Stranger: I’m blessed, thank you.

Ever have that shit happen to you? You’re on the way to work, you stop for a quick cup of coffee and you say mindlessly to some stranger, “How are you,” and they fuck up your day with this moronic bullshit?

That’s not even a real answer to the question. Your day is either good, bad or in between — those are the fucking answers you’re allowed to give.

“How is your day” isn’t a question that invites a response of, “I love baby Jesus.” You’re phishing and hoping the person you say it to will magically find Jesus afterward.

Here’s a fact, you’re a total twat for saying that.

Seriously, if you’re currently answering the aforementioned question with, “I’m blessed,” is the verbal equivalent of spam. Its unsolicited bullshit put into my head in an effort to trick me into doing something you want.

You’re doing this because you’re a twat.

I’m going to start wasting the time and energy of every one of you twats by asking a shit ton of questions after you give that response.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Stranger: I’m blessed!

You forgot, "and a twat."

You forgot, “and a twat.”

Me: You’re what?

Stranger: Blessed.

Me: What’s that mean?

Stranger: You know, by the Lord.

Me: The who? What are you talking about?

Stranger: Our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Me: Look you don’t have to swear at me. What lord and savior? I thought we had a president?

Stranger: Jesus Christ!

Me: Stop swearing at me! Who is our lord and savior?

And so forth.

Right back at you bible thumpers. You want to say stupid shit to a question that every sane person answers with, “I’m good, how are you,” then I’m going to find out exactly what you mean. We can Who’s-On-First that shit until the apocalypse, fuckheads.

Jesus Christ, you people piss me off.

You know what else pisses me off? Bumper stickers, that’s what.  Not all of them. That would be stupid. The stick family on your back window, that’s cool. The stick family on your back window being chased by a chain-saw wielding maniac? Great, I love it. Do you break for yard sales? Awesome!

What I’m talking about are political bumper stickers in general and election bumper stickers, before and after an election, specifically.

So Jesus and George Washington, after killing all the French people, got together and wrote the constitution, and that's why we have Christmas boys and girls.  America!

So Jesus and George Washington, after killing all the French people, got together and wrote the constitution, and that’s why we have Christmas boys and girls. America!

If your bumper sticker says that you support giving aborted fetuses handguns because Jesus said it was OK when he wrote the constitution while high on legal marijuana, you’re an idiot. But you’re a forgivable idiot and at least there’s a remote chance you convinced someone to read up on the merits or pitfalls of arming aborted babies. I mean it’s their constitutional right — the bible says so.

This is one of those areas where I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you favor. Putting a political statement on the bumper of your car just makes you look like a drooling idiot. It’s the same, almost, as the “I’m blessed” crowd.

Look fuckheads: The messages on your bumper should be reserved for snark and/or telling us what great fucking crotch fruit you’ve produced. (Even then I think it’s slightly retarded but not nearly as retarded and someone affixing one as it relates to an election.)

I’m political, very political in fact. I’ve donated money to candidates before. I’ve even received bumper stickers for that money. Did I put them on my bumper to show the world my “support?” Fuck no, because no “undecided” voter in the history of democracy has ever, ever saw one and said, “Well that’s it, I’m voting for that guy because it’s on that dude’s bumper.”

And if I’m wrong with the above assumption and some moron did vote for the candidate of my choice because of my bumper sticker, well, that person is a fucking moron and shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place.  I’d love to read the exit poll quote with that mouth breather.

Pollster: And why did you vote for that candidate?

Moron: Ummm, because the bumper sticker told me too?

So — at best — putting one on your car is fucking pointless, and at worst it encourages the uninformed to vote.  You’re simply not fucking helping.

Finally let’s move on to the retards who leave the stickers on after the election is over, because Googling how to remove a bumper sticker is too hard.

I can kind of see how, if you picked the winner, you’d be tempted to leave it on to gloat, but really after like six months aren’t you just advertising to the world that you once, way back when, made the same decision the majority of the people did? Really, you’re proud of that? Way to follow the herd.

And those that support the losers? Don’t get me started.

There’s a car at my work with a bumper sticker that says “Romney 2012, Makers vs. Takers.” This is hysterical to me because, I promise you, the driver of the car is a federal employee.

But I digress.

Here’s a constant reminder of the day the members of my democratic country disagreed with me. Right here, on my car! For fuck sake stop and remove that reminder of your failure. I’d be equally pissed if Obama lost the 2012 election and I saw a bumper sticker supporting him today.  You need to get rid of that shit, it’s a mobile billboard shouting, “I backed the wrong horse!”

Anyway, bless you all! Maybe I need a “Romney blesses you all, 2012,” sticker.

G-Gank gives me an intervention … the jerk.

Democrats …. Always right except for when they’re wrong and then still mostly right. Yeah G-gank doesn’t do the photo captions. (Photo credit, Wikipedia)

Anyone who is a Jew is the Devil.  Anyone who is a Methodist is freaking jack-off.   Anyone who is Catholic has been brain washed.  Yup there are people that believe this, and say this…. Just like there are people who call you a fucking asshole for the political party you freely choose to endorse. Let’s just suppose that everyone in the United States became a Democrat….  Would the world be a better place?  I don’t think it would, because differences are what challenge people to achieve greater things.

Flag of the United States on American astronau...

Neil Armstrong America’s greatest cyclist. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If we were all Communists, then the space race would have never happened and Neil Armstrong would have been just another guy who raced in the tour de France.

If we were all from Jamaica, sure we would all have killer weed, but shit…. nothing would ever get done because we would all be baked.  (Actually, I firmly believe that the DEA should surrender all confiscated weed to Congress… that would be awesome to see them totally stoned…. it would totally promote harmony.)

You do not have to agree with a person’s political or religious belief but dam it you should not be critical to the point of making personal attacks on that person.  You should commend that person for their beliefs and think openly about the views of others.  It is the closed-minded person who is the real piece of shit for they never expand their thinking and will never achieve greatness.

I lived with a guy who was an atheist and for the life of me I don’t know how he could live his life that way, but I never ridiculed him for his way of thinking.  I have friends who are drum-pounding Democrats but do not think any less of them because of their beliefs.  In fact I try to understand what drives them.  Hell, I have voted for republicans and democrats….  For me it’s not what party they belong to it’s what the individual stands for.

Of course I wish everyone in the world was like me but that would be a really screwed up world.  More importantly, if everyone was like me, I would never be able to get a Tee time at the Golf Course

Now to the point of this whole piece…

When you … I feel … Because …  And I want …

Todd Oliver (the guy running hadafewbeers) please sit down – this is your

Photo caption is “i got nothing” other than I totally stole this from the History Channel. Photo credit, the History Channel.

intervention.

I know you are my friend but:

When you  – say I am an idiot for supporting a republican, or being a Catholic,

I Feel – Angry and Sad.

Because – your words are hurtful I think it jeopardizes our friendship.

And I want – you to be more considerate for my feelings and have a little respect for my freedom of choice.

Is there anyone else in the room that wants to say something to Todd?

Ok, I see some of you are a bit hesitant to speak up and that’s OK.  Just the fact that you are here today re-enforces the fact that you love Todd.  Not the kind of head-banging love that would bestow upon a big-titted stripper but rather the kind of love one gives to a dear friend.

So the next time you are quick to judge any of us who pay homage to God, Buddha, Jesus, or that fucking 6-hose water bong just remember the world is a better place because we are different and not everyone has to think like you…  so stop forcing people to suck on that Democratic Donkey Dick, after all if we all sucked it there would be nothing left for you.

Wife’s in the hospital and the medical profession is weird. Seriously you folks are weird.

The good news upfront.

The wife’s in the hospital for at least one night and I have total access to porn or I can blog.

I chose to blog so you know what kind of dork I am.  That or I’m typing this one handed.

It’s up to you which one you believe.

Okay, stupid jokes aside.  She’s fine, the doctor realized I needed a night to blog and kept her.

Okay this time I mean it.  No more jokes.  At least until we clarify that yes the wife is fine and that the doctor wanted to keep her at least over night to pump her full of some antibiotics cause he has a medical degree and who are we to question that?

She’s totally fine, they caught ‘it’ early and anyway she’ll be home soon.   Seriously.  She’s good.   I’m pretty sure spilling out too much of her medical condition, here, violates something.

It might have been in our wedding vows but I wasn’t really paying attention.  Something, something, something, don’t blog about this woman’s medical stuff, something, something.  It was in there I’m sure.

She’s fine and that’s not what this update is about, only it kind of is, but in a roundabout way.

This is more about you medical professionals.

From the person that checks you into the hospital to the nurse that takes care of you to the doctor that treats you … yeah you folks …

What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

Don’t get me wrong you’re all saints, salt of the earth really and I’ll never get how any of you do it.

Not in a million years.

I avoid the doctor like the plague, which is odd cause the plague could be the reason I finally see one.    The plague or gout, I hope its gout cause gout sounds medieval.

Me to my imaginary medieval wife: “Well I WOULD go out and earn a living as the town drunkard tonight honey but fucking gout you know?”

Her:  “You just like saying gout.”

And I do like saying gout, so I’ll say it now.  You know to get it out.

Gout.

But back to you medical professionals, all of you are saints namely cause, I couldn’t do it for a second.

Oh I could do it for a second.   Hell I could do it for more than that but eventually I’d snap.

There would be a patient, in the waiting room looking down and holding one of those plastic bag things you puke into in the waiting room, looking pathetic.

Doctor me: Just fucking puke already, Jesus.  Use your finger asshat, are you sick or retarded?

My bedside manner would be level ‘Hitler’.

You’re all so fucking nice.  Surrounded by sick and sick and some sick, you’re nice.

I’d be depressed as shit all day long.

“And why are you seeing the doctor today?  You’re vomiting blood?  Jesus that fucked up, you’ve got some weird shit that makes that happen and you’re prolly going to die or something, god this job sucks.  Fuck everyone that comes in here is sick.  Hang on the boss wants to see me, again.”

I know, I know, my mom was a nurse.  Bedside manner, don’t call the patient a fucking retard and never, never anoint the doctor with ‘holy water’.

Doctor leaving my wife’s room:  what are you doing?

Me: Blessing the ground you walked on with holy water.

Doctor:  That’s a bottle of ‘smart water’

Me:  I know I blessed it in the car last time I had a cigarette, totally snuck a beer while I did it too.

Doctor:  You’re some sort of “religious official?”

Me: Totally, Doctor of Divinity did it in the 90’s.  The internet was a bit wild-west, loosey-goosey back then.   Two hundred bucks and bam you’re a doctor of divinity, I’ll send you the link.  Dunno if it’s still active or not though.

Doctor:  Please stop following me.

Me: I get that a lot, go in peace my son.

For likely the same reason I’d make a great dictator, I’d make a shitty medical worker.  You folks don’t seem to realize (of course you realize but for the sake of the following very-weak joke, you don’t realize) that you hold all the power.   Are you cold?  Fuck off and ask NICELY for a blanket.  Are you comfortable? Fuck you I’ll adjust whatever I want on my whim, you sick person need me more than I need you.

Seriously the surgeon, cause it looked for a moment like my wife was going into surgery, that did the consult with my wife found me wandering later in the hallways looking for a bathroom.  It was a familiar face and I asked him if he knew where a bathroom was figuring he just ‘knew’.    Shortly after I asked I realized he was in a hurry to the next appointment but he took the time to help me find one.

DUDE you save lives, I have to pee.  Hell if it gets bad enough I’ll pee my pants, I’ll pee in one of the hospital’s plants, hell I can just hold it.  Go, sir, go and tell me it’s ‘that way’ and go save lives.

I’d punch each of us in the face.  That in fact WOULD be the bill for each question.

I’ll answer your retard question sir or ma’am but the answerer requires that I punch you, in the face, yeah government regulations.  Sorry.

Mesh panties and pink saline bullets is a party medical people … we’re on to you.

I’ll end with the fact that she and I laughed snot out of noses about some of the names you all give shit.   Your fuckers aren’t funny, or maybe you are, cause the names of shit that ‘must be checked every shift’ are fucking hysterical.

Seriously mesh panties and pink saline bullets (see photo)?

What the fuck kind of weird sex parties are you fuckers having in these rooms after hours and can we get invites?

Please?

I mean once she’s better of course.

More Facebook updates that piss me off

If that dog so much as blinks, I’m snagging that umbrella

OK, bullcrap. If he valued his damned umbrella so much he’d HAVE IT OVER HIMSELF.

Dear Homeless Man, here’s some help climbing aboard the clue train. First stop, why animals have fur and why humans invented umbrellas. See,  in the wild, dogs (wolves) get wet everyday! They have this hair ALL over them that protects them and makes it OK. We, long ago, discovered that getting wet sucks because we don’t have hair all over us (well most of us don’t) and some goddamn genius invented the umbrella to protect us from the rain so that we don’t get sick and/or have bad hair. Besides I bet you could get like $10 for that umbrella on a day like that and $10 would buy beer. Then you, and the dog, will still be wet but you won’t care (and the dog never cared) because you’ll have beer.

You gave a shit enough to make this fucking sign though …

Again pure, distilled and fermented bull. You know who else didn’t give a shit? The guy in the photo up above, and look at his situation. He’ll likely be trading sexual favors for drugs later on tonight but he doesn’t give a shit. Life is a thousand times harder when you don’t give a shit and a thousand times easier when you DO give a shit. You know who gives a shit? Bill Fucking Gates gives a shit and that man who asked you for spare change last Friday so he could get drunk buy food doesn’t give a shit (except about getting drunk). Which of those two people has a better life …  I know, I know the drunk guy. Fuck you.

You see Everquest was SO much better because …

Don’t you think your little Facebook game has gone off the deep end when the bounty of someone is LARGER than the GDP of THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD?!?!?! What the hell did Hobo Ella even do that every nation in the world is ready to collapse their own economy just so you would FINALLY kill her.  Besides if she’s worth that much isn’t about damned time she changed her name from Hobo Ella to SUPERFUCKINGRICHANDAWESOME Ella? I’m thinking if we’re nice to her she might get off the ground that moon base that Newt Gingrich has been talking about. And what the hell are YOU going to do with all that money, besides crash the world’s economy I mean? Don’t get me started on you Farmville people. Don’t you all know that Facebook is for seeing if your ex got fat and for spying on your kids … Jesus.

Purple, the color of elves and shit, also purple. Bonus point, nice boobs.

If you ever posted this to your Facebook feed and are A: Older than 17 or B: Heterosexual and male, contact me immediately.  I wish to study you.

Snarking on Jesus is funny … he told me so.

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Mostly they have a tag that says, “Will you let him in?” Hell yes I would, he can even have the last beer if he wants it, but SO WHAT. He’s GOD. Dude walked on water, turned water into wine, fed thousands on one fish and did a bunch of other crap, why does he need me to let him in. Can’t he just “Jesus” his way into the house? I’m trying to watch Simpson’s reruns. Posts like this are the reason there are fights on numerous message boards across the net. This is the very reason that every internet fight devolves into someone being compared to Hitler. If you post this in your feed, you’re the reason that someone had to start a POE wiki … Also he is God can’t he modernize his clothes?

Men scan this, looking for boob references …

I promise you, no man read the entire thing up above. I didn’t even read it and I cared enough to copy from Facebook, uploaded it here and write a (grammatically incorrect and largely incoherent) paragraph about it. Ladies, (because let’s be honest only ladies post this crap) men never read this shit. That long-ass card you got us for our anniversary or birthday or national boob appreciation day, we didn’t read that one either. We don’t.  We stare at it constantly asking ourselves if we can stop pretending we’re reading it yet.  Generally, we take some sentence in the middle and read it just in case you ask a question. It’s total shit, I know, but we’re all just hoping for blow jobs with minimal effort. Amiright?

Facebook posts that piss me off …

Cancer is BAD!

I admit it, I was too cool.

Remember the old email spam that said for every forward of an email that Bill Gates will donkey-punch a hooker, err I mean he would give a nickel to (insert the charity here)?  If you ever received one you (hopefully) rolled your eyes and questioned the wisdom of getting Gramma an internet connection. As retarded as those emails were, this one is even worse. How is posting this honoring anyone or anything? This has the exact same effect of my opening my bedroom window and yelling, “I honor cancer victims,” really, really loudly. Actually that has more effec. It’ll annoy the neighbors and might scare a cat. You want to show me that you honor cancer victims?  Upload a receipt of your donation to a cancer charity or better yet do some volunteer work. That honors cancer victims. Jesus Christ, I need a fucking cigarette.   

Look, if I was 100 percent truthful you’d beat the crap out of me

This one is for people who never got over the whole Santa Claus thing.   

Basically, Santa was having an affair with your mom, you knew that right?

 Fine, but sit down and have a drink first.  Yes, you’re too fat.  That’s an ugly baby.  You really are stupid. That dress makes you look like a whore.  I thought your idea was idiotic.   I haven’t written or called because I don’t give a shit. Oh yeah, and you’re new hobby doesn’t interest me at all. I’m going out for a drink with the boys because you’re driving me insane. I bought you this expensive gift because I thought it would get me into your pants. I spent little Johnny’s college fund on hookers and blow last weekend in Vegas, the bank didn’t a mistake.

You’re right that was better.

 No, it really doesn’t matter, even though you think it does

After its all over I’m having a beer

If we’re really gone, as in dead, it doesn’t  matter, at all. How we treat each other matters right now, not later and surely not after we’re dead.   On my tombstone put:

Todd Oliver*
Born blah, blah, blah
Died blah, blah, blah.

 * he was an asshole

 I’ll be gone.  I won’t mind, It’s okay really.

I know this is talking about after an argument, but when I first read it I thought it meant after we’re dead.

This or That? When or Why

lolz at fat gurls!

I know exactly when this happened; it was Nov 20, 1993, at exactly 4:13 p.m., I remember because I was eating a cheeseburger. 

It was a really good cheeseburger. 

Why did this become hotter than this? That’s the real question here isn’t it?   I can tell you why, because you and me and every one of us “bought” it.

 We drive the market for this shit not the other way around. As an aside anyone else find it hysterical that we Americans get collectively fatter each year while our super models could blend in with famine victims?  

That shit cracks me up.

I ♥ ‘MERICA!

Get yer gun!

 

I post on face book a lot of political shit. Seriously it’s a lot of political crap, my wild ass guess is that about 50 percent of what I say there relates to politics.  But even this, were it to reflect my political opinions, is over the top.

Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. 

Eighty-six percent of the people reading this are going to finally have 100 percent proof  that you’re an idiot.   Your two redneck friends from high school will repost it and your coworkers are going to eye you suspiciously at work tomorrow.

Term limits. Good idea, if only we had some sort of voting system to help us with that.

Balanced budget AND tax reform? I hope you were extra good this year if that’s what you’re hoping to get for Christmas. You want these things? Good idea, next time you vote for a senator, congressman or even the president, make sure that he or she can compromise a bit. That’s how this  should work, each side gives a little and the result is in the middle. Simply yelling “no” is what 2-year-olds do.

No freebies to non citizens and closed borders: first off no voy a recoger la lechuga de mierda and does the term xenophobia mean anything to you?  Because you forgot to add it. I’ll give you a free one, no shira law either, amiright?  

The constitution and the bill of rights are great, but how is that culture? Look, you can have a bill of rights and a constitution and live in a society where every second Sunday of the month all males over the age of 16 dip their balls in green paint and yell, “I have green balls,” because that’s the cultural norm.  

English is a language. Now  please look up culture, thanks.  

Ahh, here is the nut of it, “Obama gone.” Relax man he will be gone … in 2016.

 Lay off the drugs (while on Facebook)

 This one is just weird.  It’s like Frodo from Lord of the Rings meets soft porn and well she does have a sweet rack.

I think I need this printed on a shirt

Anyway, can anyone explain this? I thought not. Has anyone told that three-wolf -one-moon guy at Amazon about this image? Can someone? Thanks.

That’s great. Are you going to show me your boobs or not?