Tag Archives: God

A Thanksgiving update … ‘cause I was too drunk, I mean full of turkey, to do it two days ago

I’m pretty sure there was something about Thanksgiving I was supposed to write about here.    Whatever it was it sure as shit seemed like it was funny at the time.   In fact the boss, not even my immediate supervisor but the B (with a capital B even) oss even said, you should put this in your blog.

To which I countered, “give me a laptop and I will right now,” because beer makes me enthusiastic about bad ideas.

I’m glad it didn’t happen.  Look after 40 beers things like, “Of course the USSR’s geo-political influence in the oil embargo of the 1970s cannot be ignored but that line of thinking only serves to minimize, I like boobies” comes out of my mouth and no one deserves that.

Also what the fuck is the Boss doing reading this crap?    Anyone else asking themselves that question?  Shouldn’t she be reading some sort of public affairs foreign policy think tank wonky shit?

I fear that during the next staff meeting she’ll utter something like, “And I want to really leverage our social media efforts on this, get with Jason and talk to him about his initiatives in that area, tell him you have my full support.   Also boobies.”

Anyway whatever the joke was … it was, trust me, funny.      I mean not as funny as getting whipped in my boxers wearing a cowboy leather jacket in front of a friend – that’s kind of a high-bar, you know?

But still it WAS funny.

If I told you right now, you’d totally be laughing.   So even though you’re not laughing right now rest easy in the knowledge that had I remembered you’d totally be laughing your tits/balls off at this very moment.

And really, isn’t it the thought that counts?

I mean I, having forgot what was so funny that night, still thought enough of you

and now for something...turkey

and now for something…turkey (Photo credit: atomicity)

to do this update. Without the fucking joke mind you, I wrote this all in an effort to make sure you knew that if I had remembered I’d have shared it here, for your enjoyment, because I love you fuckers just that much.

Tis the season and all.

I also want to point out that I have just wasted almost an entire Microsoft word document page writing a big joke about the joke I forgot.   I mean that’s also got to count for something.   Three hundred and forty- four words to explain “I forgot the joke” … I even amaze me.

Anyway it was a good fuck thanksgiving.  I know I personally led the competition on broken beer bottles (Todd 3, everyone else 0), making an ass of yourself and inappropriate remarks for $200.   So that’s good stuff.

I was reading, on some internet message board today, stories about extended families annoying each other during Thanksgiving and being overseas I sometimes wish I could annoy the hell out of some family but, it’s not to be.    More so than other holidays, namely because it is such an American holiday, American’s living overseas I think tend to congregate into clusters for Thanksgiving.

And cluster we did.

Before we had Thanksgiving dinner a baby puked on me, which is only noteworthy to people that don’t have babies, like me.  Take that, other non-baby having people!   In. Your. Face!

The family that hosted us does that ‘everyone holds hands for grace’ thing.   My family was more the join your hands together to pray kind of deal.

“No one touch anyone else damn it, we’re about to pray” was a very common phrase during our families’ Thanksgiving celebration.

Both, in my retarded opinion, are pointless but why should we make a giant circle?  Does God like that more?  If so why?   God’s weird I tell you, weird.  It’s as if Gods thinking, “Well I’d totally bless your family and keep those guys in harm’s way safe but you’re all not holding hands in a giant circle so, fuck that.”

Maybe it’s a thing where if you have more than one person doing it, it’s got more power?   That’s the issue with prayer, there’s no way to measure how effective it was.    We had like 20 people holding hands in a circle prayer.   What if the cut off is 21 people?  As in 20 people has just enough ‘pray-power’ to ALMOST get to God but not quite.   With 21 you’re a solid in.

It’s thoughts like these that got me removed from most Sunday Schools when I was little …

We had a no crap, honest to god, German at our thanksgiving.   She’s dating one of the younger guys I work with (I think they’re TOTALLY having sex – don’t tell anyone) and came to Thanksgiving.  Turns out she lived in New York for years so this story is kind of pointless.

Joke

What the fuck WordPress?  This photo is tagged as joke, why?  You know here I am trying to do this fucking retarded update, looking for a photo and you fuckers show me a semi-hot chick.   So I get distracted because, she’s semi hot and barefoot.   Why the fuck is this labeled joke?  You people suck.  Also happy Thanksgiving assholes in the photo-tagging department, I hate all of you.(Photo credit: PitsLamp photography) 

Anyway happy belated Thanksgiving all, this would have been a rockin’ Thanksgiving update if I had just remembered the joke.

Master Cleanse dieter not dead but wished he was… Also now eating ‘food’

Fad diet boy is back!   You can read all about his previous experience with Master Cleanse here.

Master Cleanse Post Mortem

Well, that escalated rather quickly. Nearly two days into my ten-day Master Cleanse diet, it was over just as quick as it had begun. It was a strange experience to say the least, but then what should one expect when they embark on a ten day cleansing/starvation/

On day two of the cleanse, I weighed in at 187.2 lb. That means in just 24 I had dropped 5 lb. ‘Not too shabby,’ I thought at first. Half way to my goal in just a tenth of the time allotted. My girlfriend was less enthusiastic. “That’s dangerous,” she says, “It’s not healthy. You should probably stop!”

Sweet, sugary Brach's lemon drops. Made with r...

Lemons, God’s way of saying you’re a fat ass! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, on I went into day two! The hunger pangs got bad every couple of hours. The diet recommends drinking (i.e. choking back) the lemonade 6 to 10 times a day. If you haven’t tried it, I can tell you, that’s no easy feat. The preparation for this stuff is annoying enough. The lemon juice has to be fresh squeezed and you have to finish it within 5 to 10 minutes of squeezing. God forbid anyone drink 11 minute old lemonade … now that would be unhealthy! That means having a ton of organic lemons available, and diligently preparing the cocktail every couple of hours. Then, it’s still just spicy lemonade, so there’s not a lot of satisfaction once it’s done.

What made day two even more unbearable was all the food surrounding me. My colleague, we’ll call her ‘Janne,’ sits about three feet from me in my office and had an early lunch. I could smell her sandwich before I could see it, but once I did, it was not a big help in my self-starving efforts. The thing was bigger than her head. It looked like someone folded a pizza over and sold it as a sandwich. ‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ I thought! But that was just the start …

After skipping lunch, my task at work for the afternoon was to shoot a

This image shows a Large Cayenne.

Fad diet authors have all the luck, I’d love to trick people into drinking lemon juice with hot peppers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

commercial on nutrition at the local school cafeteria. So this meant bringing in a wide assortment of food, (chicken wings, sandwiches, veggies, fruit salad) in for the shoot. Food that I had to smell, see, shoot etc. for hours!  This is the point when I realized, ‘Yeah dude, God totally hates me … ‘

I didn’t last much longer after that. At the end of the day my girlfriend was hounding me to go get food and go grocery shopping, so finally I caved.

I read somewhere on the internet that anyone can lose weight on a 1200 calorie a day diet (believe it or not, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper six times a day adds up to 1200) whether on liquids or solids. So I resolved to aim for lower calories but still eat food. We picked up veggies, shrimp and brown rice. We cooked that with no butter, salt or additives and it was one of the most rewarding meals ever.

Two lessons I take away from my two-day-crash-fad-diet-bender:

A.)   Fasting is tougher than I thought it would be, but not impossible. I resolve to try it again every once in a while. We have so much around us that we have to learn moderation when it comes to satisfying urges and craving, but that’s not how we evolved. I think a little hunger is good now and then. It helps you appreciate the simple things.

B.)    Like most Americans, I pretty much believe anything I read on the internet.

By the way, did you know Obama’s from Kenya? And he’s actually gay?!

Spicy lemonade with a chance of hallucinations … guest blogger with a trendy weight-loss plan, what can go wrong?

This is part one of what I hope are many parts … Today another mystery guest (cause no one wants their real name associated with this thing) talks about day one a diet called ‘master cleanse’ or some such crap.

Here we go …

Today I kicked off day 1 of my 10 day Master Cleanse adventure. “What the F is that” you say? It’s pretty simple … and by simple I mean fucking-stupid crazy …

For ten days I will forego solid food for a “lemonade” mixture of lemon juice,

just lemonade, for ten days, what could go wrong?

maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That’s right. Ten days, no food, just spicy lemonade. You can get all the details here.

So how did it to come to this? I’m an American and I’ve lived in Germany for four years now. I really look forward to getting back home every year or so, just to take in some American culture: Shopping and eating.

Well, after two weeks of gorging myself on every restaurant chain in sight back home in the States, I’m at my heaviest. weight. ever. So what better way to follow up a two week saturated fat binge than to chase is with a crash fad diet? I mean, right … ?

Exactly. Which brings me back to day one. Weighing in at a depressing 192.2 lbs., this morning was my starting point and I’m now about to call it a day.

So far, I can report that I am fucking hungry as shit and I would gladly strangle a transient for the chance to chew on stale bread … Other than that, so far, so good! The lemonade is just enough to keep me from gnawing my arm off, but it is only day one. Apparently, day two and three are much harder … as are day 5, day 7, day 9, day 4 and 6, 8 and 10 too … God this is going to suck …

I’m looking forward to seeing what I can shed in just 10 days, though. Also any side effects that include hallucinations or the perceived ability to fly or see through walls would be sweet but I won’t count on it …

So anyway, if you ever wanted to watch someone live-blog eating their own arm, stay tuned …