Tag Archives: Alone on Valentine’s Day

Psst: show your love with hand sanitizer (Valentines Day horror story winner)

HAFBs: Well here it is folks the winner of our Valentine’s Day horror story competition.  Author, who else, Chesty La Rue* tells us of a beer and Jaegermeister fuelled misadventure into a European strip club on Valentine’s Day.

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Wood. Pole.

Please raise your hand if you have ever spent Valentine’s Day at a strip club.

Did you raise it?

You did?  Great asshole, way to screw up my story’s introduction.

Dick.

To the rest of you that didn’t raise your hand, here’s a story of a crap-tastic Valentine’s Day.  

Based on the daily boob action at Had A Few Beers, chances are you’re a man who raised your hand. But who doesn’t like a nice pair?

To those of you who already raised your hands, (dicks) if you’re a lady, like my friends Anika, Natalie and I, give yourself a high-five because you survived Valentine’s Day at a strip club.

This Valentine’s Day there was no chocolates, flowers, cards, hearts, Cupid’s white butt, dates, boyfriends or husbands. No “girl’s night.”

Not even an emotion-laced Ben and Jerry’s binge.

I lived in Europe at the time and strip clubs there are just part of the territory. They are so woven into the European Union that various governments foot the bill for the care, health and welfare of those who practice this profession.

No matter the location, I will always feel shady walking into a strip club. At least I have peace of mind knowing “Nadia” from Eastern Europe gets to see a certified medical doctor for those awkward moments, she has had to work with The Medical Negligence Experts before so she makes sure the doctors are certified.

But to the point, when you spend Valentine’s Day at bars and strip clubs with beer, Jaegermeister, five dear friends and Nadia from Eastern Block, shenanigans are bound to ensue.

Pub crawling was our activity of choice that night and by the time we ended up at our destination, the beer and Jaeger had control of our three male friends.

Our destination: A strip club named Psst.

It’s a two-pole, mirrored shoebox with glittery disco balls (giggity), cozy couches, three stripers, and a bartender/owner/body guard/Freddie Mercury look-alike with gold chains and chest hair like taco meat, type of establishment.

The combination of brass cleaner, booze, shame and regret permanently molded my male friends into the cozy couch where they quickly fell asleep only to sporadically wake up like zombies when they realized there were lace thongs and vaginas jiggling in front of their faces.

Vaginas really do rule the world, folks.

My lady friends and I parked at the bar. We laughed, clapped and shook our heads as our highly intelligent male friends repeated this act throughout the night.

It puts the lotion on its ... oh wait.

It puts the lotion on its … oh wait.

For some reason at the end of the night, my thoughts are hazy here toward the end of the evening, (beer) we ladies brought out the hand sanitizer. I’m going to say a joke or dare (Jaeger) prompted these men to giddily get on stage and clean the brass stripper poles with the hand sanitizer.

How did they clean the pole you ask? (Put your hand down by the way, the participatory part of the blog is over. Dick!)

They cleaned the pole by using to the bottle to simulate ejaculation, naturally.

I don’t think it was a slap in the face to taco meat manager Freddie Mercury and Co. as much as it was a thoughtful consideration.

I’d like to think that small act of kindness is maybe the sixth love language.

It was like ripping a Band-Aid off to reduce the pain or leaving the room to fart.

Sure, we were all drunk but we had a level of care and consideration for one another. My lady friends and I stuck around for the show and got everyone home safely. The guys? They ultimately passed out 99.9% germfree.

 

HAFBs:  Chesty La Rue* will receive some free Had A Few Beers Swag and a photo of my balls.

* Totally her real name.

Tell us your Valentine’s day horror stories, win free stuff

Are you glad the holidays are over?

Not so fast fuckers. Cupid is breathing down our necks.

Did you feel his hot-cherub breath just then? Smells like broken promises, abandoned dreams and premature ejaculation doesn’t it?

Valentine’s Day is all up in our faces.

Married men blow it off until the last second, married women are jaded by it, dating men fear it, dating ladies look forward to it, single chicks dread it and single men play their Xbox One and laugh at the rest of us during this holiday.

Oh, how they laugh at the rest of us …

Single dudes are assholes.

We have a bit of a tradition here at Had a Few Beers surrounding Valentine’s Day. The tradition of lonely, single and (I can vouch for this part) attractive women ranting about what a crapfest of a holiday Valentine’s Day is.

First we had this and then this one. Both were spectacular rants from very attractive and funny ladies.

This year I want to open up the floor and solicit input. I also don’t want to write anything myself for publication on the 14th of February.

Because I’m lazy.

Basically, I’d like to pay you to write something for me.

Now let’s be clear, I’m not paying you in cold-hard cash, and no this isn’t an elaborate joke where I send you a photo of my balls again. That kind of thing is only funny once. I’d like to pay with a gift from the Had a Few Beers store.

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Yeah, we know the logo looks like a dick with balls, but that’s what makes it even funnier. Pointing out the obvious joke in the logo helps no one.

Anyway here’s the deal , if you write something and we use it you can have one of these.

Hadafewbeers

Pictured: Proudest moment of my life…

I promise to send you a pair of smoking-hot boobs … I mean I’ll give you free a Had a Few Beers stein. That shit costs like $20.  If you don’t like beer stop reading this and … fine we’ll work out the details of whatever a “prohibitionist time traveler and Valentine’s Day hater” like you wants as a free gift. Maybe a Had a Few Beers coffee mug is your thing, or a Had a Few Beers G-string?

Pictured: every photo chicks have sent me wearing Had A Few Beers Panties

Pictured: The photo every chick has sent me wearing Had A Few Beers Panties

Point is, you’ll get something.

What we’re looking are funny Valentine’s Day stories. I don’t care if you’re married, single, dating, male or female. If you have a funny Valentine ’s Day story, let us have it. Awkward first date on Valentine’s Day with your future husband? Write it up. Had a crush on a super hot girl and it all went to shit on Valentine’s Day? Write it up. Killed your first hooker on Val … turn yourself in. Sicko.

We’re looking for anything between 1,000 and 1,500 words (more or less) and FUNNY.

Deadline is Feb. 3. Send your craptastic Valentines Day thoughts to us at admin@hadafewbeers.com

Also, did you see those tits with a Had a Few Beers mug! Look at those tits!  Awesome!

Guest Blogger Thor: Still single this Valentine’s Day? This article is for you!

I’m a woman of a certain age. I’m single. I have no children. I contemplated naming my dog Malbec (“Gin and Tonic” was just a cry for help, besides being a mouthful). I have a weekly date with Downton Abbey.

In short, I’m a demographic stereotype.

1valentines_day_sucks1With that in mind, and Valentine’s Day and a blank sheet of “paper” before of me, you’d be safe in assuming that I’ll  rail against the coming holiday. And of course, if I were to rant, it’d be because V-Day is commercialized, heteronormative, patriarchal, and sappy. My rant would have nothing to do with that fact that on Feb. 14 I’ll be eating a Lean Cuisine of a TV tray while I catch up on celebrity couplings.

Nothing at all.

I love Valentine’s Day. In fact, it inspires me to look back at my (mostly online) dating history in the last few years, which I’ve conveniently distilled into some broad categories.

Uterus Shoppers: I like to know that a man values me. And if it’s because of an organ I have, all the better. I get sick of men asking about my beliefs, and my background, and what I do with my time off. Blah blah blah. Uterus Shoppers cut to the chase. Their emails are succinct. It may be, “I want a woman with a healthy body. Are you ready to start a family?” Or, a little more conversational, “I love children, and I want more. How are you?” I find this charming. I’m in no way creeped out by somebody I don’t know suggesting we are intimate, then participate in one of life’s most profound experiences which later results in a person!

– Bait ‘n Switchers: These fellas, they keep me on my toes! They’re very spontaneous. One minute they’re looking for a serious relationship, and the next, they don’t have room for anything serious in their life. My favorite part, though, is they’re always open to hanging out casually with no expectations. One might expect this devil-may-care attitude from men in their 20s, but when it comes from men in their 40s, it’s downright adorable.

-The Jokesters: I love these guys. From the men who make “sexually knowledgeable” a requirement on eHarmony, to quirky and lovable introduction emails – “Hi there! Here is a good topic, that seems able to get just about everybody to fly off their hinge and take a giant leap away from their good senses: Abortion. Not only is it a fun word to say like ‘guacamole’ or ‘incandescent’, but it’s a topic everybody loves to weigh in on. So, what say you?” – to the man wearing as his main profile picture a T-shirt that reads, “I am the man from Nantucket,” to the guy who picked me up for our first date wearing a Fender T-shirt that read, “Chicks Dig My Lick.” The absolute, hands-down  winner in The Jokester category goes to the guy below, with his witty profile headline. At the end of his profile he challenges women to get in touch with him to find out the punch line. As I’ve hung out with some sick, ribald and juvenile folk in my time, I knew the punch line- it’s about incest.

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Other categories include The Sex Kittens: Yes, men, please post and/or send photos of you lounging about seductively!; the Hannibal Lecters: Any hint you might kill me really gets my blood racing; the Partners In Crime: All guys want this, apparently; and the Anti-Marketers: “I want somebody to sit around and watch TV with.” Of course, the categories are not exhaustive but I keep on keepin’ on because why settle down when I get all this?

Did you enjoy this?  You might also enjoy last years Valentine’s Day rant by another guest blogger: Why Valentine’s Day Sucks. Written by a person who hates Valentine’s Day.