Monthly Archives: July 2015

If FB memes are any indication, we’re doomed

I know there’s a lot of shit on Facebook right now.  If I have the current trends on Facebook down right it goes something like: Gay, married sharks are having sex on the Confederate flag while Americans with darker skin are about to steal the country from Mexicans.

Or something.

Also, I noticed Bill O’Reilly is pissed that the White House was lit up with the colors of the rainbow in support of the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision,  so I guess we did something right.  Anytime Bill is pissed I’m reasonably certain I’ll be happy about whatever that thing was.

But this isn’t about the Confederate flag or gay marriage,those two escaped convicts in upstate New York or even sharks.

This is about making fun of Facebook memes.

Facebook, Facebook, Facebook, oh how I loath yet love thee.

Here’s my point of view — if you don’t wake up in the morning, check Facebook and just laugh at some of your friends posts you’re missing out on one of life’s great pleasures. Memes are a great source of comedy for me. Even the most absurd usually make me laugh.

Men and women both share them, but I think the ladies share them a bit more than the lads. Regardless, they’re mostly boring shit, occasionally they’re funny and once in a great while they’re fucking jaw-dropping funny, and by jaw dropping funny, I mean stupid.

So let’s dig right in shall we?

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that life hacks and simple do-it-yourself tips to make life easier are all the rage right now. Some of them are cool I guess, but some of them are just flat out dumb.

Like this one.

Everyday in America 20,000 pool noodles are needless slaughtered.  Won't you help stop the carnage?

Everyday in America 20,000 pool noodles are needlessly slaughtered. Won’t you help stop the carnage?

First off , there’s the fucking absurdity of it all. How big is your fucking pool that you need the cooler to float alongside you? Put your cooler on the side of the pool and paddle your lazy ass over too it when you need a refill.

But I don’t know how big your pool is because I’ve never been to your pool (because you’re a selfish, non-pool party inviting asshole). So maybe it’s so big that when you paddle from one side to the other you’ve entered a different time zone. Maybe that’s why you need a do-it-yourself floating cooler, because you spent all your money on a gigantic pool.

If this is the case, stop reading right now and seek financial help.

Here’s the reality of this floating cooler. Pool noodles cost about what, $2 tops? Maybe $3.50 if you’re some rich asshole, but for most of us they’re about a dollar. Two at the max. How much is rope? I have no idea, I only know I’ve been given enough to hang myself with numerous times. Let’s say it costs $5 for a bit of good, old-fashioned rope. Finally there’s the plastic bin that makes up the cooler part of the floating cooler. What’s that cost? $10 is my guess, but that’s off the top of my head.  I asked my wife, she said that was a reasonable guess, so let’s go with that.

So to construct our floating cooler we’ve spent $16 or so. Right? We’ve ruined a perfectly good pool noodle, cut up some useful rope and pissed off our wife because we stole the container she uses to store her winter socks in or whatever it is women buy these things for.

The issue? An actual floating cooler can be had for $14.99 on amazon. Leave the pool noodle unmolested you fuck head. Besides you’re going to need that rope someday and you’ll be pissed because you cut it up for your stupid homemade pool cooler that got you in so much trouble with the wife because you used her plastic bin when you were too lazy to swim to the side of the fucking pool for a full beer. Bonus: Hot blond in a bikini in the Amazon link. See I’m saving you time, money AND showing you hot chicks in bikinis here. I should charge for this shit.

Next up these fuckers …



How the hell in today’s America can we legalize gay marriage, take definitive steps towards ensuring everyone has access to affordable healthcare, be on the edge of decriminalizing marijuana and doing 87 other awesome things while we still haven’t forced these social media clowns to shut the fuck up already?

Look here’s the plan: When I’m president we’re going to ban from traditional social media anyone who has ever posted an, “if you love Jesus” meme.

Don’t worry, we’re going to create a special place just for them.

Hell, we can call it Jesusbook and Goditter or some shit. They’ll love it. They can “amen” and share this shit until Obama finally admits he’s the anti-Christ and they all get vacuumed into heaven and leave the rest of us with a bit of peace an quiet.

I can’t wait until these judgmental fucks leave Facebook. I’m trying to read my feed while I have my morning shit and I don’t have time for these kinds of decisions. I don’t even know what to do when I see these. I don’t believe in Satan or God, what the fuck do you want me to do now?

Here’s another one.


Child abuse is the second best pastime next to kicking puppies in my book. She fell down the stairs your honor, honest!

Who the fuck posts this? Did you feel better afterwards? Why? Imagine you went into the office tomorrow full of joy and blissful thoughts. A coworker asks you why you’re in such a good mood and, with fucking sincerity, you tell them.

“Well this morning, on the internet, I posted a photo of a child with bruises on their face. No real idea where the pic came from but on the photo I wrote, ‘Are you against CHILD ABUSE,’ yeah I even capitalized the last two words, ’cause I’m a bad ass. Then, here’s the best part, I wrote ‘like – yes!’ and then ‘ignore – no’ along the bottom of the photo. Then I added the emoticon ‘:/’ after the no part because that signifies I’m a not happy with people who ignore. I’m a fucking genius! I told the world I’m against child abuse!”

These people are idiots and should be beaten with unmolested pool noodles.

Seriously, they should stop.

Here are more examples of people who should just stop.

1512391_783302225015978_7845512712740317144_nI hate you and everything about you.  I happened to love dick cancer, it calls me on my birthday, it’s always there when I need it and it once loaned me $20 for gas. Fuck you.

11647153_10153340294230042_2125154572_nI also hate you.


I’m chicken, but you’re a moron. I’ll live longer. What the fuck does this one even mean?  If I share it people just post numbers into my feed, that’s the idea?  What’s the deal with 17?  You’d hit me with a bus?  Do you even have a bus?  Where the fuck are you going to get a bus?  If I post this and some dipshit steals a bus so they can hit me am I  in any way legally responsible?  I’m not posting this, fuck off.

11655514_10153340111245042_1285620763_nNope. Clearly we can’t. You haven’t been paying attention if you think this is a viable course of action you fuck. In fact, you get a D- in attention paying. This flag symbolizes equal rights for other American citizens. While on the other hand …


… this flag does not. And, despite this flag’s message, current events indicate otherwise. Because yeah, it’s symbolizes some racist backward shit. Fly it high on your car, home or from your asshole. I’m cool with that, honestly. But let’s get it off government property for fuck’s sake. And if Walmart and Amazon don’t want to sell it, well I’d remind most people that take issue with that decision that the free market is always right in a lot of people’s opinions.

Finally there’s this. 11655390_10153340118735042_1036323104_nWhat exactly is this?  Its as if some Emo-stricken 16 year old chick mated with the lady that wrote those Cathy cartoons popular in the 1980s.  I bet this shit was made in Colorado and Washington state, you fuckers need to tone it down or you’re blow it for the rest of it.