Do they know it’s Christmas? How the hell could they miss it?

Here are some things about Christmas that just flat out piss me off.

The first thing that pisses me off is the fact that’s I’m writing this. Basically, nothing says “privileged, white, middle-aged douche bag” like a privileged, white, middle-aged douche bag complaining about the holiday season. You know, it’s that time of year where giving, caring and forgiveness are in vogue, and here I am bitching up a storm about pointless holiday things that piss me off.

“Oh, lets all read what Mr. No Reason To Be Unhappy has to say about why he’s unhappy,” I can hear you all saying over the din of a million eye rolls.

And your largely right, except that having no reason to bitch about something absolutely gives me all the more inspiration to bitch about it. I’m all about the challenge with these kinds of topics. None of what I’m about to complain about is even vaguely valid or important in anyway, but I’m going to bitch about it anyway. I even like watching video’s of kids opening presents they’re really excited about. Watching a 7-year-old rip the wrapping off of a G.I. Joe with a Kung Fu grip (or whatever — I’m out of touch with the toy markets for 7 -year -olds) is always a great thing.

But there’s some other things (oh boy, are there some other things!) that really piss me off.

Let’s review:

Look at these presents under our tree. Ninety percent of them are gifts I’m giving to my wife or she’s giving to me.

Spoiler: These are all socks.

Spoiler: These are all socks.

What the fuck sense does that make? We’re two financially well-off adults. The other 364 days of the year, if either of us wants something, you know what we do? We buy it for ourselves. But this one day of the year we each toss $500 at Amazon for the other because “something” told us to?

It’s the same head-scratching situation every year. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know the answer to that question even though it’s a valid question. It’s a fucking stretch to come up with ideas because for throughout the year we’ve just bought whatever the fuck we wanted. Kind of leaves the old “gosh it’d be cool if I had this item,” list a bit lacking you know?

So, you know what you end up with under the tree? Shit you didn’t want badly enough to purchase yourself. I don’t mean things I couldn’t justify buying for myself, and I don’t mean things that I couldn’t afford to buy for myself. No, I mean things that I just couldn’t be bothered to buy for myself. For instance, the complete series of Battlestar Galactica is under the tree waiting for me on Christmas morning. I watched part of season one once while traveling for work and thought, “Meh, that show’s OK.” But I couldn’t actually bother to log on to Amazon to, you know, buy the fucking thing myself.

So here I am in my mid-40s waiting to open gifts I was too lazy to buy for myself.

Next year I’m going to suggest she take her $500 and blow it on whatever she wants like massages, pedicures, cute hats for cats, whatever. I’m taking mine and investing heavily in strippers and beer because that at least would be good blog

It's Joseph would've wanted.

Santa and baby Jesus can come too but they have to bring their own money.

Another thing that bugs the fuck out of me about Christmas is the “Why” of it all.

Stay with me here.

Neither my wife nor I have a religious bone in our bodies. I’m an atheist and I can’t think of her ever having a single religious thought. It’s not like either of us are excited about Christmas because it’s the day Jesus was born. As a lot of people know, the idea of a midwinter holiday actually predates Christianity. Because why not throw down and party in the gloomy middle of winter?

But the midwinter theory kind of pisses me off even worse. Now I’m following some ancient-random custom because those fuckers didn’t know if they’d live ’til March? What the fuck?

I once read that it was kind of a last -ditch celebration before the starvation of January and February set in. Which is fine, I get that. But how the fuck is that valid today? The vast majority of us aren’t starving anymore in winter, we have fully functional heating systems and I can make it as bright as the sun in our house through the use of that wonderful invention the light-bulb.

The thought that people used to celebrate this time of year because it was the midway point between fall and spring makes no fucking sense to me in this day and age.

At least you Christian types believe there is a valid reason to celebrate and I envy that. I’m stuck trying to figure out what a busybody fat man in a red suit living with elves and reindeer north of the Arctic circle have to do with the birth of some kid in the middle east.

Be honest with me here, this has baffled you too. What the fuck does chopping down a tree, putting lights everywhere, exchanging gifts and singing obnoxious songs that contain the phrase “fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la” have to do the birth of a baby?

None of that shit passes the commonsense test, not even for a moment.

Some fat old man sneaks into your house after spying on you for a whole fucking year and leaves you presents? No, fuck that. That sounds fucking creepy actually. I’m pretty sure grown up Jesus would punch that dude right in the dick for pulling that kind of stunt.

Like this, only with Light Sabers.

Like this, only with light sabers.

Here’s another thing that pisses me off about the holidays. This I think pisses a lot of people off actually. Why the fuck do stores have to start putting up holiday shit immediately after Halloween or even earlier?

The answer is sales right? Gotta get those precious holiday shopper dollars into the till because the holiday season is the only time that a lot of stores make any profit. That’s the answer, right?

Look, I didn’t major in business or anything, but I’d hazard a guess that if your business model succeeds or fails because of sales during eight specific weeks out of a year, then your business model sucks.

I could be wrong, hell I probably am wrong, but that just seems like a stupid way to do business. What if I approached you and asked you to invest in my new business, but we were going to lose money 10 months out of the year and then, only if the economy was good, make money during a narrow eight-week period?

You’d think I was a fucking idiot.

It’s even happening here in Germany, at least on the military bases. Once Halloween is over, out go the princess and vampire costumes at the Post Exchange and it’s all ho, ho, ho from that moment onward. I made the mistake of going into the “Power Zone” (a military store that specializes in electronics) on Black Friday because I needed a small adapter for a computer on Black Friday. I never made it past the front door because there was apparently a riot going on.

In an overseas enclave of Americans who rely largely on the mail for most of their purchases there was a Black Friday shopping frenzy going on.

Next year I’m suggesting to Dagmar that I buy her a pack of playing cards and that she buys me a Playboy.

Actually, never mind.  Fuck the Playboy.

Actually, never mind. Fuck the Playboy.

Finally, and thanks to a good friend Adrian for this suggestion, the war on Christmas really pisses me off. It pisses me off because there is no fucking war on Christmas. There’s not.

I consume my cable news before going to work in the morning and it’s a choice between Fox News and Tavis Smiley (who names their kid that by the way). I choose Fox because even they don’t suck as much of Tavis does. Sorry, it’s the truth. Those of you who know me know I can be a rabid liberal and even I would rather have right wing talking points hurled at me over my morning coffee than listen to Tavis’ pointless banter with which ever guest is shilling a new product on that particular day.

So I do hear that shit all the time. There’s a war on Christmas! The progressives, liberals, communists, and for all I know sweet baby Jesus are waging a war on Christmas.

Listen up, I don’t want you to take this personally, I don’t want to offend you and I don’t want you to stop reading, I just want to clear this up: There is no war on Christmas. None. Zero. No shots fired, no casualties, no territory lost or gained, because there is no war.

Some people even alluded to this on Facebook. “I have to say Happy Holiday’s now I can’t say Merry Christmas it’s a war on Christmas!”

Is it a war on Christmas if you stop and consider that the person to whom you want to wish good tidings might not celebrate Christmas? If that’s offensive to you, then save your tidings because you don’t give a shit about the person anyway.

Nativity scene removed from a public building?

This is American where there’s a separation of church and state. Once upon a time, not so long ago, that was enforced. Then Glenn Beck came along and turned a lot of loud-mouthed people into holy rollers-ala-Beck. Now if someone says, “Ya know, that Nativity in the middle of the courthouse lobby seems to fly in the face of separation of church and state,” those people are persecuted.

Someone at Walmart wished you a Happy Holiday, not a war on Christmas.  Your boss said Season’s greetings to you, not a war on Christmas. Did you’re crazy Uncle Ed send you something about that Muslim bastard from Kenya proposing a new law that would ban Christmas in the United States?

OK, that one’s probably legit.

There is no fucking war on Christmas. Go outside, look around you. Christmas is everywhere. Christmas is the world’s most powerful military. A million times more powerful than today’s most powerful military and if there was a war it would consist of four guys drinking in a bar at four in the morning and talking shit about how they could totally destroy Christmas.

Maybe I suck at metaphors, but there isn’t a war on Christmas. Never has been.

Next year when Dagmar donates $500 to Greyhound Rescue charities, I’m using my $500 to start a war on Christmas. My arsenal will be a bat and I will scurry about in the dark of night bashing in inflatable-Santa faces and eating Frosty noses. Except, that sounds like more of a war on yard ornaments. I’ll have to give it more thought.

Seasons greetings!

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