I’ve learned something today — something valuable, something that is meaningful and something that most of you already know — parking enforcement officers are utter dicks.
I like to call these officers “traffic wardens” because that’s what they call them in Germany (0r I’ve watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels a million times too many and whenever I see one this clip comes to mind).
Regardless, I’d be a shitty traffic warden if only because I’d always default to the line of thinking that goes, “Well, she’s pretty, I’ll let her go.”
Let me explain.
Dagmar had an appointment in the city of Weisbaden recently and because she can’t drive I had to take a few hours off to drive her there.
Through an unusual set of circumstances that I won’t describe here we ran into the wife of one of my coworkers who opted to join me for a quick drink while my wife went about her business.
My coworker’s wife was parked illegally because she was responding to a semi-legit emergency and assumed she’d be in and out of the area in minutes. Then I threw a monkey wrench (or in this case a screwdriver) into the plan. But parked illegally or not, she wasn’t blocking anything, she was just parked in one of those spaces that inexplicably have stripes running diagonally. The adjacent bus stop wasn’t terribly impacted by her parking job, though it would have been less affected if she had stayed there for only the anticipated five minutes and not the entirely optional and entirely awesome 30 minutes to have a drink with me.
My coworker’s wife is awesome, good looking and a really cool person. While we had our drink, her illegally parked car was in our sight as we sat at an outside table of a cafe. She’s a grown up, I’m a grown up, and well, my car was parked legally, so there’s that.
Then the traffic warden showed up, and my coworker’s wife ran out to try to prevent the inevitable. But pretty/cute/nice wasn’t enough to overcome traffic warden douchebaggery.
Eyes were batted, smiles were smiled and a ticket was issued. Not blog worthy I admit. Cute lady is issued citation despite being cute, yawn.
With traffic citation in hand, my friend’s sad wife left and I almost turned back to my Kindle book about nothing, but the warden stuck around and holy shit just watching that guy was an education.
I guess it must be a thing that happens to even the most kindhearted traffic wardens — overtime they become jaded. In this guy’s case, he must have been on the illegally parked vehicle “case” since 1083 A.D, ’cause this fucker was jaded with a capital J.
I watched as this guy just relentlessly handed out ticket after ticket. He was like a ticket-issuing ninja.
Little old lady delivering a quick gift to her grandchildren? Fuck you, move faster next time, that’s a ticket! Repairman dropping off heavy tools before parking the van? Fuck you, they should hire stronger guys, that’s a ticket! Deliveryman quickly running into a shop to drop off a package? Fuck off, scofflaw, that’s a ticket! Super hot (and I mean SUPER hot) German chick running inside and then moments later back to her car? Yeah, take your titties elsewhere, that’s a fucking ticket!
The dude was relentless. If Santa stopped there on Christmas eve this dude would’ve stapled a ticket to Rudolph’s nose. Dude would’ve faulted the Pope if he’s have stopped and washed a poor man’s feet.
I want to call out German efficiency here, but I’m sure the same shit happens in Paris, New York, Hong Kong, Moscow and countless other cities in the world.
Jaded mothers be jaded and such.