If you know my wife and me you know one thing – there are days that my wife is awesome and there are days that she would stab me in the eye with a butter knife because I sneezed.
This is a butter knife story.
As you know we live in Germany. Living in Germany we have to keep our passports up to date. Not a big thing, renewal for a passport only comes around …
Oh, to hell with it. I can’t bullshit you — this is a story about a “shitastic” passport photo of mine. I look like 12 kinds of “stupid” mixed with equal measures of “midlife confusion” and “anxious-scared guy in a jail” tossed into a blender where I promptly mashed the “whirl-together button.”
I mean look at the photo.
It’s fabulous for all the wrong reasons.
This was taken at one of those photo booths where, after you put your money in, you cram five of your best friends inside and snap a serious of photos while as a group you look sexy, goofy, tough or whatever else was popular when these machines were in vogue in the 1040s.
These machines are the pre-internet version of a “selfie.”
This particular photo came about because my wife was mad at me for leaving her alone inside the machine to have her own photo taken (I was getting us coffee). The controls inside the machine were archaic at best and I wasn’t there to help.
So I took it without regard to my own appearance because I wanted demon wom … I mean, my wife, to calm the fuck down.
I showed this photo to Fran, my wife, a new co-worker and some hobo I met behind a bar and we all agree — it’ a funny photo.
Trouble is, we all agree for different reasons. Fran thinks my eyes look like the alien from E.T.; Dagmar concluded that someone was molesting my nether regions against my will; I think my forehead is visible from space; my new co-worker just laughed.
Oh, how she laughed.
I’m also just wondering what that little white blotch is on my neck. Is that cancer? Cancer isn’t a weird white blotch right? What the hell is that? Am I going to die? Also, why is my one eye a little droopier than the other … that’s a weird fucking medical condition isn’t it. Oh, god this whole blog was a terrible mistake.
Anyway, here’s the deal, you’ve hung in there this long — you deserve something. I want you to Photoshop, caption or otherwise alter this photo and post it in the comments … the winner (the one who makes me look the coolest) will receive a free Had a Few Beers gift of their choice because fuck my savings.
Had a Few Beers note: I’ve been away for the last three weeks on a secret mission that I can’t tell you much about. I can tell you that most of it was spent on the couch, asleep, with one hand tucked into my waistband, the other holding a remote and a bit of drool oozing out of the corner of my mouth.
In all seriousness, I just took a break. No clue why. I just did it. All of your subscriptions have been refunded the appropriate amount … you can all expect checks for zero dollars and zero cents to arrive in the mail exactly now.