Stop dropping F bombs. No not those F bombs, the other friggen F bombs

OK, OK, I get it.  The word “faggot” is now officially off the table.  Like racial slurs, “faggot” is hateful and intones homophobic beliefs.  And let’s be honest (lesbionics?), anyone in this day and age who still harbors homophobic beliefs is fucking gay … oh wait. They’re fucking retarded … crap.

You know, it’s getting harder and harder to swear these days without detonating linguistic land mines that potentially color the speaker (me) in a thick hue of bigotry, intolerance or insensitivity.

And that fucking sucks.

Thankfully, “fuck” is still on the table, but what exactly does something “sucks” imply?  That question is food, or at least liquid, for thought. Does the term “sucks” refer to blow jobs? Could blow job aficionados find it offensive?   I really should survey some to get a feel for their stand on the matter.

Truth be told, I’ve never really used the term “faggot” much, if at all.  I honestlycan’t remember the last time I said “fag” or “faggot.”  But I’ve sure as hell heard it used, and a lot of times the person using the term doesn’t mean it as a homophobic statement.

He is in fact, Fabulous.

He is in fact, Fabulous.

Recently, as you’re likely aware, Alec Baldwin got dick punched for calling a paparazzi a “faggot cocksucker,” which yeah, that’s bad. The first transgression was committed the moment the term “faggot” left his piehole. He simply ensured that the court of public opinion would convict him by tacking on “cocksucker” at the end.

That’s pretty fucking straight forward right there. Calling someone a “faggot cocksucker” doesn’t leave a lot of room for interpretation does it?

I’ve wanted to write something about the word “faggot” for a while now. I wanted to do it mainly because two of my favorite comedians both did very funny bits regarding the word.

Louis C.K brings up a very good point when he says most of the time when one guy calls another guy a faggot he doesn’t literally mean that guy is gay, he means that guy is being a fucking faggot. I’m never going to do his comedy justice so just watch the clip here. I’ll wait.

Joe Rogan , who I’ll be the first to admit has mired himself in controversy over the term “faggot” offstage,  still had a funny, and serious, bit about the word. But he’s “retired” the word even after saying he doesn’t mean it as a homophobic slander.

As you may well know, the term “faggot” dates back to approximately 1250 AD and is defined as a bunch of stick.

How the hell did that even work? Everything in the middle ages was fucking weird.

Old English was kind of weird ...

Old English was kind of weird …

“Geoffrey, after I’m done burning this witch at the stake I’m going to stop by your hovel so we can go into the village to drink grog.”

“That sounds lovely William, but sadly I have to pick my wife’s small pox scabs this evening.”

“You’re such a bundle of sticks, Geoffrey.”

Kind of lacks punch doesn’t it? Unless by bundle of sticks they meant “bundle of dicks,” in which case, great slam William!

A lesser-known fact about the word “faggot,”  according to, is it also once referred to a contemptuous woman. If I was into making misogynistic jokes that would pretty much write itself.

Anyway, I think the point (as if I even had one to start with) is that we need a new word for “faggot,”  one that has the same hard-hitting “sick burn, bro” feeling without all the “I disapprove of what you do in the privacy of your own home with your dedicated life partner.”

I’m at a loss. I don’t have any idea what kind of word fits that description. I doubt it exists, frankly. This is normally the part where I’d suggest some stupid made-up word to use in place of “faggot,”  a word like “kerfufflebumhead,” but let’s be honest, that’s fucking retarded and it never works.

Some people will say that if someone is smart enough, he should be able to say what he wants without resorting to swearing.

Well I’m not that fucking smart, you fucking fucks.

When discussing how to conclude this faggy … err I mean dumb, blog entry, Fran again came to my rescue with this gem, which I think says it all:

One could argue you should be able to convey your thoughts without cursing, but where’s the fucking fun in that?

You tailor your language to your audience. If you’re talking to a professor of economics you may say something one way. If you’re talking to a bartender you say it another.

But no one can deny that the bartender’s language is clearer and to the point. A spade is a spade, if you will.

I found an article where a professor of economics was dismayed to learn lecturers were presenting “things that are known to be untrue.”

You could wonder what’s meant by that statement. (I was too bored to read the article to find out.)

But if he’d just said, ‘They’re spreading a bunch of fuckin’ lies,’ there’d be no question about what he meant. He means the assholes are lying.”

Which is pretty fucking brilliant, if you ask me.

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