How to not shop on Thanksgiving, unless you want to shop on Thanksgiving: A guide

Outrage, anger, fury and rage! Let slip the dogs of war! Grab your gun, your knife and your credit card, we are under attack!

Corporate America’s assault against traditional American values continues unencumbered as some major retailers have the audacity to open on — I hope you’re sitting down — Thanksgiving.

What will those corporate bastards do next in their never-ending quest to increase already-obscene profit margins? I suspect they might knife Grandma with razor-sharp deals on flat screen TVs while they defile apple pie with tempting buy-one-get-one free specials.

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Screw Thanksgiving, get a load of these prices!

Various news sources have been pointing out this moral outrage committed by some of America’s biggest chains, Wal-Mart, Target and Kmart among them. If my Facebook feed is any indication at all, a lot of people agree that retailers opening on Thanksgiving day is a disgusting trend that will inevitably lead to the downfall, perhaps the eventual destruction, of the American family.

Because Thanksgiving is about families, by god, and most of the people expressing outrage about this practice should be prohibited by law from ever having children because they’re fucking retarded.

Too bad there isn’t already a way to avoid shopping on Thanksgiving so you could spend that quality time with Uncle Mike as he drinks a little too much and starts an argument with his sister who flew from Cincinnati for the festive occasion.

If only there was a way.

Oh wait there is.

It’s called not fucking shopping on Thanksgiving.

Yeah, that’s pretty fucking hard I know.

The secret to not shopping on Thanksgiving is, and you should write this shit down, to not go to any stores on that day. And stay the fuck off Amazon and other online stores or you’re still fucking up Thanksgiving.

See, the stores aren’t destroying Thanksgiving.  They don’t need to because we’re doing a hell of a job without them. Not a single retailer would be open on Thanksgiving if we weren’t willing to shop on Thanksgiving.

But the above paragraph is also total bullshit because who the hell am I (or anyone) to criticize anyone who wants to die in a human stampede when the store opens on Thanksgiving Day?

Not me. If that’s your idea of fun, I’ve got no issue.

Besides, how else are you expected to purchase all the pointless shit we as American’s buy for our loved ones every Christmas?  I mean, little junior absolutely must have the new Xbox One Kinect that shows the world his dong, otherwise Christmas will be ruined!

By the way, that’s a real story up there about the Xbox One Kinect’s infrared camera exposing people’s dirty bits.  I mean if that isn’t a reason to shop on Thanksgiving, I don’t know what is.

But what about the poor employees who are forced to work on Thanksgiving to support these soulless corporations raking the last dollar out of our wallets while paying same employees dismal wages, I can hear you ask.

They're thankful this Thanksgiving for your cash ...

They’re thankful this Thanksgiving … for your cash.

Well I’ve got an answer for that question as well. That answer is, “Fuck those employees.” I know, I know with their low wages, zero benefits and their inability to refuse their employers request that they work on Thanksgiving they’re already fucked, but I mean fucked in more of a “the market demands that the stores be open on Thanksgiving” fucked kind of way.

Because the free market and profits it churns are always right. Lots of people believe that shit, and considering America’s current situation, they’re not incorrect. If enough people shop on Thanksgiving, and mark my words they will, the employees who are working are fucked on Thanksgiving Day and oh boy are they fucked if they don’t.

So fuck ’em.

Haven’t we always had business open on Thanksgiving? Sure not giant stores like Walmart or Target, but gas stations, convince stores and the occasional grocery store? Where was the uproar over those stores being open? Sure gas stations could be viewed as a necessity, but when was the last time purchasing a Slurpee or Slim Jims constituted an emergency?

Extra credit if you answered that question with, “When my wife was pregnant.”

The point is we’ve always had some businesses open on Thanksgiving, albeit some of them for legitimate reasons I admit, but most of them were open for convenience reasons.

Where was that moral outrage?

Nope, this moral outrage is made up and just makes us feel better. Otherwise everyone hearing that those stores were open would shrug and say …

“To hell with that, I’m staying home this Thanksgiving. I’m going to eat too much and fall asleep while watching the game – just like George Washington would have wanted it. It will be the day after when I’ll behave like a screaming lunatic at Walmart, just like we always traditionally do.”

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