Hi and welcome to the first installment of Furlough Fun Day!*
I guess I could have called it Furlough Monday but it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Come to think of it, federal employees who are furloughed on Fridays have all the good names. Furlough Friday people get all the breaks.
Anyway, this is the first in a series of what I hope is only one blog written on my furlough day.
If you haven’t been following along with the news let me bring you up to speed.
Department of Defense employees are being forced to take a day off every week, which is awesome. We are also being forced to take this day off with no pay, which is not awesome. All told it equals a 20 percent pay cut.
As a result, this blog is going to be 20 percent less funny. (Math jokes are tough to write. That was the best I could do.)
I think technically during the furlough day, I’m not legally employed by the government. I can’t get another job during that day, but I’m not “technically” not a federal employee on furlough day either. That fact opens a lot of creative windows actually.
*Cough* Is it just me or does Gen. Dempsey look just a little bit like Gollum from
Lord of the Rings?
There. I’ve committed an act of civil disobedience and I feel awful. Gen. Dempsey is a great man and a great leader. I suck at civil disobedience.
Anyway, it would have been great if Dagmar and I had the same furlough day off but we don’t. She has Fridays off and I have, as you know, Mondays off. At first, the lizard part of my brain thought, HA! This is awesome, PORN PARTY on my day off. But after some rethinking, it kind of sucks because three day weekends together would rock harder than even the best porn party. Actually porn party sounds really, really pathetic.
But, as I said, we don’t have the same day off. This fact highlights a basic difference between us. She spent her day off in productive productivity and I spent my first day off curled up on in a ball of “damaged-dignity-hangover-smell” on the couch. That’s why I didn’t write this last Monday. Between dry heaving into the toilet, crying and fiendish masterba … well I was really hung-over.
I did wash the windows though. She told me that was my chore and by-god I did it. By contrast she did five loads of laundry, the dishes, dusted the upstairs, mopped upstairs, ironed four of my shirts, extensively cleaned the cat litter box (extra hard because I had neglected it), changed the bed linen, called her daughter and purged the bar of old and no longer drinkable spirits.
So I’m feeling pretty good about my accomplishment.
Anyway I think the only thing from this point forward is to have a contest between Dagmar and I. Call it: Who used their unpaid day off the wisest. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up a quick score sheet for everyone reading so they can keep track of who is winning.
|Hours of Porn Viewed||2||0|
|Windows washed||All of them||0|
|Windows rewashed because of the shitty job done the first time||0||All of them|
|Episodes of Family Guy viewed||7||0|
|Episodes of Family Guy not viewed because of napping||3||0|
|Episodes of the Today show about summer flip flop fashion viewed||0||1|
|Number of dry heaves in the toilet||8||0|
|Video Games played||3||0|
|Number of balls scratched||2||0|
|Cat poop cleaned||0||All of them|
So clearly, as you can see (math doesn’t lie friends) I’m winning the furlough fun day competition.
*I’m really, really not smart enough to comment on the politics of furloughs. I’m not. I know my wife and I can weather it and be OK. I know a lot of my friends can, and will. But I also know that a lot of my friends and co-workers out there are seriously affected by this and I hope they don’t take offense to what I just wrote. Furlough and sequestration is, at the end of the day, not very funny at all. To a lot of folks, a 20 percent pay cut is no laughing matter. At the end of the day, it isn’t to us either. If I’ve offended anyone, I’m sorry.