Everyone hates traffic.
“Today was the best day ever! I was stuck in traffic for hours!” no one’s ever said.
If by some odd chance you happen to know someone who does say that, please hit them in their stupid face with this blog.
If there is a patron saint of traffic out there, and for all I know there is, (Saint Mario Andretti has a nice ring to it) we denizens of U.S. Army Europe’s Clay Kaserne (formerly the Wiesbaden Army Airfield) have pissed him off something fierce. Traffic on post is at the throw-a-virgin-Mercedes Benz-into-a-volcano level of fucked at the moment.
In the kaserne’s defense, about a million new arrivals just started clogging up the roads and there is some construction on the main route that will, with time and when complete, alleviate the situation. But still, it sucks. Many of us leaving the installation at peak hours are subjected to a speed of less than a half mile in two hours.
Thankfully, someone who works for the Army at Clay Kaserne came up with a great plan to alleviate the situation. The plan aims to make everything better, fix this whole rotten situation and literally kill the horse that had already escaped the burning barn.
The first solution is: When hope is on the horizon and you’re almost clear of the jam and autobahn bound, you’re redirected onto a small road reserved for farmers, bicyclist and walkers – (which is a retarded idea and the policeman stationed there to prevent you from taking the detour will tell you as much). The second suggestion is: Once you’re on the autobahn, you’re routed in the opposite direction you want to go because of “fucking magic.” I can only assume its “fucking magic” because they’re suggesting I go the opposite direction from the direction I need to go and the only way that makes anything better is “fucking magic.”
And to clarify the situation even further, someone superimposed the detours onto a Google Earth map and then sent that out far and wide. My reaction upon seeing the graphic (coincidentally on my phone while stuck in traffic) was, “That’s a dick!!”
Not only were the detours a pain in the ass – or a dick – but the graphic was a giant, arrow-shafted, red-and-blue balled dick. As in – penis.
I mean, I run a blog called Had a Few Beers. I make a shit-ton of boob, dick and butt jokes, and goddamn it, I know a dick graphic when I see one. This was a dick graphic.
Someone had, through official channels, inserted a no-shit dick joke onto a graphic about the very problem that was dicking us. They had done it brilliantly, too. It was a dick disguised as a helpful graphic and it said without saying, “Hey drivers, you’re dicked! You’re so dicked here’s a graphic of a dick to remind you that your dicked. I’m dicked too, so it’s cool. Still we’re dicked.”
I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but dude — you’re an awesome dick for doing it.
Note: Since this was written they’ve fixed the situation and hopefully it will take less than two hour to travel a little more than half a mile. I think it’s awesome that they fixed it as quickly as they did — but asking me to pass up a dick joke? No way.