NOTE: If your collective knowledge of Scientology is non-existent you might want to skip this article or read this Scientology wiki for a quick summary of the belief system. If you don’t brush up on the basics, much (perhaps all) of the following will make very little sense.
I confess that I bought Lawrence Write’s “Going Clear,” a look at Scientology, because I wanted to “LOL” at science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard’s thetans, OT levels and spaceships that look like DC-8s.
Yeah, yeah Scientologists believe some wacky shit — much wackier than the bit of snark in the opening paragraph — but it’s hard to get all frothy about a HOLY-BATSHIT-FUCKING-CRAZY bunch of ideas when basically nothing they believe is any wackier than what’s in the Bible. Scientology’s thetans by another name might be the soul… and who fucking cares ’cause it’s all bullshit — is what I ended up typing instead of a long list comparing biblical stories of miracles to Scientology’s description of fuckallery.
Bottom line: They’re both bullshit. Maybe Scientology is bullshittier because of devotee Tom Cruise’s antics, or groupie Kirstie Alley’s ginormous ass. But basically which story is more bullshit – that some dude turned water into wine or the thetans were dumped into volcanoes by Xenu’ – is the question.
They’re both bullshit, is the answer.
OK, the Xenu one is “funnier” than the walks-on-water party trick, but on a base level, both belief systems, in my mind at least, are based on a whole bunch of nothing.So, I fail at buying books to laugh and blog about, sort of.
While their belief system ultimately ends up no more retarded than any other belief system, I can totally laugh about the how the church functions right? The heavy handedness, their cult-like behavior, the extortion of its members, … Oh for fuck’s sake, that shit’s all the same too.
When you break it down, most modern religions have done much, much worse than Scientology has ever done. I’m not saying that given free rein Scientologists wouldn’t do exactly the same sort of evil stuff that other “reputable” religions have done in the name of salvation. What I’m saying is, they haven’t yet had the chance.
Then I read about the money Scientology takes in and holy-holy of holy (I like saying holy, especially in this blog) they take in some serious cash. In fact, they absolutely rip off their flock (just like every other religion does when it comes to money) and are worth an estimated $30 uberillion dollars.
You could argue they are even being persecuted, just like most religions were at their start. Need I remind you of Jesus’ gruesome fate? I say persecute away. Toss John Travolta into a ring with hungry lions. We could do it during next year’s Super Bowl half-time show. Sure there’s a zero-percent chance of a Janet Jackson boob flash, but still … John Travolta vs. hungry lions. Come on.
Think about it.
One portion of the book, or rather the religion (cult?), that did make me laugh out loud like crazy was the Sea Org. If you’re not familiar with Scientology, thank you, but let me explain what Sea Org is.
It is in one word, “douchbaggery,” which is a word I just fucking made up because our language doesn’t have a word for the level of idiocy and childlike naivety that these induhviduals display. It’s the military for believers who wanna be extra, extra cool in Scientology but lack Greta Van Susteren’s deep pockets or Tom Cruise’s deep pockets coupled with a batshit-crazy ability to believe his own bullshit. So, yeah, Sea Org is just like the military, if you joined a military run by retards.
From the book I learned many, many fascinating things about Sea Org. By fascinating I mean, of course, fucking retarded, and by fucking retarded I mean, I want to join Sea Org, raise through the ranks, fix all the bullshit and then reveal afterward that I care fuck all for any of it and bail, retarded.
You know, though, what most (hell, I’ll go out of a limb here, ALL) modern militaries no longer do? They no longer make you do bullshit like scrub cans with toothbrushes, lick floors clean, sign a billion-year contract or other bullshit because – and here’s the brilliant bit – things like that are clearly counterproductive.
In the book, some of the Sea Org members stated they joined to, “make a difference,” or that they wanted to be, “one of the best.” I, of course, read those statements and laughed all the way to this blog update and rated them “OT level who the fuck cares.” Hmmmmm, if only there were legitimate organizations dedicated to, I don’t know, being the best of the best and making a difference out there.
Anyway, if any of their heavy-handed tactics are to be believed, I’m about to be followed by private investigators, photos (I hope off my balls) will be disseminated, and/or I’ll be sued.
Thus, if after this update you don’t hear from me assume I’m either A) being probed by Tom Cruise in Uranus as a means of “Going Clear”, or B ) I’m drinking beers in the basement and reading about the Mormons.
- Beilue: Scientology is out there … way out there (amarillo.com)
- Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright – review (guardian.co.uk)
- Scientology Church Has Secret Alien Space Cathedral In New Mexico Desert-Founder Ron Hubbard & Aleister Crowley (countdowntozerotime.org)
- Church of Scientology to be charged as a criminal organisation in Belgium (skeptical-science.com)
- L Ron Hubbard’s great-grandson slams the ‘brainwashing cult’ of Scientology (freethinker.co.uk)
- L. Ron Hubbard’s Grandson Blasts Scientology as a Brainwashing ‘Cult’ (alternet.org)
- Scientology wants NZ to ‘ease up’ (nzherald.co.nz)
- Scientology hides from grave allegations behind the mask of religion | John Sweeney (guardian.co.uk)
- Renowned journalist throws the book at Scientology (religionnews.com)
- And a billizition more … just Google Scientology is bullshit, or Religion is bullshit, or both.