Hey Good Samaritan, how are you doing? Take a seat. Are you comfortable? Good. Do your people drink? Do you want a beer, no, just a diet Coke then. Well color me not surprised.
Anyway look I know you’ve likely been busy what with rescuing kittens, walking little-old ladies across streets and, say were you a boy scout? Eagle Scout? Impressive. No shocks there really. Yeah, yeah, it’s awesome.
Listen I know you’re busy, you want to get back out there reading to deaf people or whatever but do you remember closing a really heavy door this weekend*? Then when it was closed, just to make absolutely sure you closed it you spun the digital lock attached to it because engaging the simple key lock isn’t good enough for person of your ‘anal retentive nature’? And to be honest that spinning was the awesome part of what you did, just closing the door was one thing, spinning the lock, engaging the second deadbolt was the kicker. You’re a do-gooder that goes the extra mile, and I like that.
Because yeah, in the six years my fellow coworker saw that door (get this) it has never been locked.
Not once, it was always open.
It has a combination I’m sure but that knowledge has been lost to time. It’s a fucking mystery and I couldn’t find Scooby Doo to solve it. The mystery van was nowhere to be seen and old man Wither’s has been dead for the better part of half a decade.
What was behind the door you ask? Behind that door are secrets, bad-ass secrets that I can’t discuss here for national security reasons. Okay, Okay because I know no one from work reads this (giggle) I’ll give you one.
Iran and Israel don’t always get along.
I’ve said too much.
I needed it open but no, you closed it. Closing it not being enough, because you’re a special kind of Good Samaritan, you spun the dial engaging the second lock not even Indiana Jones could outwit.
Don’t believe me, Indy could get through it damn you, you say. Read on.
Did I mention that this door was the new door to my (and my coworkers) new office space? No? Did I mention that the movers were busily packing up my old office and would be arriving at the new office at 15 till two seconds from now?
Yeah it was the kind of morning where you find yourself wondering how much the guy that cuts the grass makes. Really, the wife and I have too much shit as it is. Probably a lot of time to think on those riding lawn mowers, pop in some headphones, select playlist called “who cares” and dream big dreams as you take your John Deere Z665 model mower out into lawn oblivion. Did you know the John Deere Z665 has a turning radius of who the fuck cares? Me either.
So this door, this VAULT door, yeah it’s no joke. It’s meant to prevent anyone from ever, without the code, which I don’t have, from ever, ever entering. Had Edgar Allen Poe known of such technology he’d have saved himself a lot of time. Don’t bother walling the victims in, just slap this sucker shut and eating the combination would have achieved the same effect.
Okay you’re thinking how bad can this be? You call in a locksmith, magic
happens, and the door’s open. You’re underestimating my door, never underestimate my door. The locksmith, after setting off the building’s fire alarm was reduced to hitting it with a hammer.
The locksmith called more seasoned co-workers, his boss, the old retired guy that ‘knew all the tricks.” Nothing worked, I think I saw a tear in his eye at one point.
It’s still not open, after reducing a professional locksmith to brute force, it remains closed. Extra special note to the American tax payer, you buy super-awesome vault doors.
I did learn a few things, a few new German swear words among them. I also learned that to the Germans (this is from the bored movers waiting by a loaded truck while locksmith boy hit the lock with a hammer) 30 minutes in American time is like 2 hours and 30 minutes. Thirty minutes in German time is like 20 minutes. This came up when the locksmith went to notify the fire department he’d need a ‘cutting permit’ (as best I understood it). Which was awesome cause when the fire alarm went off, well we had a permit damn it … and I’ll never really understand this country … ever.
So thank you Good Samaritan, best laid plans and all. That was super awesome on a level you’ll never understand. I’m drinking a well earned beer in your honor Sir or Ma’am, you’re awesome on a level you’ll never know.
* An alternate theory, proposed by a co-worker, is that the door was closed and the dial spun by someone intentionally. I’d go with it except it’s so evil words haven’t been invented yet that can describe it. I’ve have been stuck typing things like evil faster than light or hates puppies level infinity poops on kittens and who the hell types that kind of stuff?