An open letter to the GOP … I could love you, I could

Holy fuck, seriously holy fuck, that’s the only way to describe the abortion that is turning out to be the Republican National Convention.

Seriously I just watched the news and Bret Baier from Fox News just threw up on camera and quit after saying “holy fuck, what are we doing here?”

Polls show that ‘zero’ percent (with an error rate of plus OR minus three percent) of African Americans support Mittens but the GOP seems to be obvious to this fact as they’re trying harder and harder to alienate every woman in America.

Seriously, according to the GOP, “you bitches need to get back in the kitchen.” I’d like cookies but I’d like you to vote more.

On the heels of Todd Ryan’s retarded statements about rape we have the joy of Tom Smith who compares the shame the father of a daughter that’s been raped to the shame of a father of a woman that has a baby out of wedlock.

Because it’s 1943 and I can’t even finish this fucking sentence.

Someone, and to the convention’s credit the person was thrown out, tossed peanuts at a CNN reporter trying to do a stand-up report while yelling, “this is how we feed the animals.”

Listen asshole, I’m going to pretend for a moment that you’re not a giant douche bag … that’s NOT how we feed any animal, and she’s just doing her job. You like jobs right? Fuck you you’re not listening anyway.

But, but, but Governor Chris Christie? He waited until the end to mention the robot, I mean Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney ….

Life-long GOP member Orrin Hatch reveals that the GOP is full of bigots by saying, “yeah I think the gays are gross but let’s stop being assholes to them and let them get married.” Welcome aboard Orrin, we need to talk though.

George Bush Junior hasn’t been mentioned because, well George Bush Junior. Actually I can’t fault them there, smart move.

Meanwhile the media can’t ask Mitt about, well anything. This is about the economy for fuck’s sake, stop asking any other questions. No other questions damn you. Nothing else! Obama’s birth certificate is on the table but the Bain Capital earnings are off the table.

The “big tent” is now a shade umbrella that’s in danger of blowing away in the waves of hurricane Isaac.

I’m about to get gross, Mom, Dad and anyone else with a low threshold for gross should stop reading right now, come back in a paragraph or two.

You’ve been warned.

Look Republicans, this is like watching porn. It is. It’s like watching that scene where the girl takes both the guy’s cocks in her mouth at the same time and you and I go, OMG they’re TOUCHING PENISES!

Or Peni or Penis’s or whatever the fuck you say there.

I don’t know.

Maybe that’s the wrong metaphor. But I like boobs so porn metaphors were inevitable.

Deal with it.

It’s like watching a train wreck none the less.

Look, can I speak honestly? As a democrat there are things the GOP believes that, I at least, also believe.

I’m for a strong national defense, Rome without her legions became feudal Europe so yeah, fund defense.

I’m all for personal responsibility but again like Rome, ‘the free grain dole,’ was likely a good idea. Safety nets aren’t bad, without them bad things boil.

If you’re the party of small government, something I, and many Democrats, could really get behind, stop legislating morality.

That’s ‘big’ government … telling my wife, my daughter, my sister and my female friends what they can and cannot do with their bodies is in fact “BIG GOVERNMENT”.

The market’s not God, it needs to be regulated. A market unbound is a sweaty fat man gambling the family savings away with a shady bookie in dark alley.

It needs left and right limits.

I care not one bit if man marries his donkey, really I don’t give a fuck. I also don’t care if two dudes marry or two chicks marry, it’s NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT. What’s important is that two people, no matter the sex, that are committed to a loving and life-long relationship are afforded the same ass-pain you and I are when they realize they hate one another.

There has to be a republican out there, reading this or not, that is a news junkie like me. They also must have realized recently that FOX News is making baby steps toward the center. There is a reason for that, just like they dumped fucktard Glenn Beck.

Mitt and the GOP are going to lose this election and I’m sorry but you didn’t really put up a fight. You punched each other more than you punched the Democrats. We never Democrats never even got our gloves on, we were too shocked watching you all prepare for the fight by killing each other.

Tea Partiers reading this, all none of you, my thoughts follow.

You can teach your kids, it’s wrong to be married to a same sex partners but do you really need to make that a law? The sin’s on the ones that do it, isn’t it?

You can teach your kids, it’s wrong to abort a fetus, but the sin is again on the woman that did it, isn’t it?

Yeah, yeah, it’s a baby an unborn life. But there are thousands of lives that are lost every day, where are you there?

Teach your kids that evolution is wrong but let school teach science. Teach your kids that global warming is wrong but let the schools teach … if your argument is stronger is SHOULD win out in the kids mind, right?

I’ve written, rewritten, refucked, reunfucked this last bit for a week if not the last every year.

And what the fuck am I trying to say is, I don’t know.

Boiled down, you are the least racist, most open party that ever existed in the history of the world. You could, unbridled, change the world, but you, but you but you … if only you could escape the extremist clamps that seem to shackle you.

If you work to exclude you will always lose, it takes a big tent after all.

Someone who used to comment here (hint, hint) said recently on my facebook feed that the GOP needs a strong fiscal leader (I agree) that is a named, hell branded, as a Republican that slides to the left socially.

We have one. He’s not branded Republican but he is exactly what you ask for ….

President Obama, actually.

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