Master Cleanse dieter not dead but wished he was… Also now eating ‘food’

Fad diet boy is back!   You can read all about his previous experience with Master Cleanse here.

Master Cleanse Post Mortem

Well, that escalated rather quickly. Nearly two days into my ten-day Master Cleanse diet, it was over just as quick as it had begun. It was a strange experience to say the least, but then what should one expect when they embark on a ten day cleansing/starvation/

On day two of the cleanse, I weighed in at 187.2 lb. That means in just 24 I had dropped 5 lb. ‘Not too shabby,’ I thought at first. Half way to my goal in just a tenth of the time allotted. My girlfriend was less enthusiastic. “That’s dangerous,” she says, “It’s not healthy. You should probably stop!”

Sweet, sugary Brach's lemon drops. Made with r...

Lemons, God’s way of saying you’re a fat ass! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, on I went into day two! The hunger pangs got bad every couple of hours. The diet recommends drinking (i.e. choking back) the lemonade 6 to 10 times a day. If you haven’t tried it, I can tell you, that’s no easy feat. The preparation for this stuff is annoying enough. The lemon juice has to be fresh squeezed and you have to finish it within 5 to 10 minutes of squeezing. God forbid anyone drink 11 minute old lemonade … now that would be unhealthy! That means having a ton of organic lemons available, and diligently preparing the cocktail every couple of hours. Then, it’s still just spicy lemonade, so there’s not a lot of satisfaction once it’s done.

What made day two even more unbearable was all the food surrounding me. My colleague, we’ll call her ‘Janne,’ sits about three feet from me in my office and had an early lunch. I could smell her sandwich before I could see it, but once I did, it was not a big help in my self-starving efforts. The thing was bigger than her head. It looked like someone folded a pizza over and sold it as a sandwich. ‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ I thought! But that was just the start …

After skipping lunch, my task at work for the afternoon was to shoot a

This image shows a Large Cayenne.

Fad diet authors have all the luck, I’d love to trick people into drinking lemon juice with hot peppers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

commercial on nutrition at the local school cafeteria. So this meant bringing in a wide assortment of food, (chicken wings, sandwiches, veggies, fruit salad) in for the shoot. Food that I had to smell, see, shoot etc. for hours!  This is the point when I realized, ‘Yeah dude, God totally hates me … ‘

I didn’t last much longer after that. At the end of the day my girlfriend was hounding me to go get food and go grocery shopping, so finally I caved.

I read somewhere on the internet that anyone can lose weight on a 1200 calorie a day diet (believe it or not, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper six times a day adds up to 1200) whether on liquids or solids. So I resolved to aim for lower calories but still eat food. We picked up veggies, shrimp and brown rice. We cooked that with no butter, salt or additives and it was one of the most rewarding meals ever.

Two lessons I take away from my two-day-crash-fad-diet-bender:

A.)   Fasting is tougher than I thought it would be, but not impossible. I resolve to try it again every once in a while. We have so much around us that we have to learn moderation when it comes to satisfying urges and craving, but that’s not how we evolved. I think a little hunger is good now and then. It helps you appreciate the simple things.

B.)    Like most Americans, I pretty much believe anything I read on the internet.

By the way, did you know Obama’s from Kenya? And he’s actually gay?!

4 Responses to Master Cleanse dieter not dead but wished he was… Also now eating ‘food’

  1. Pingback: I’ve got a problem with my shorts. I’m sorry but I do. | hadafewbeers

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