So we’ve hit a milestone, 10,000 hits, which I’m pretty sure, considering I started this crap started on a day I don’t remember back in like February , means that there have been (had a few beers math) like a million hits a day over the course of all those days.
Okay no jokes, but still it’s like 250 hits over all those days.
Most of you coming here, admittedly, are looking for sauna boners but still an impressive number. Also the big joke there is that yes, sauna boners is still the hottest (get it?) search term here.
I want this update to be about thanking all of you, everyone that reads this. I mean it, thanks. The stuff I type here is, while fun, sometimes …
FUCKING ITUNES ATE MY SHIT AND I HATE MY FUCKING IPHONE.
Steve Jobs I curse you sir.
Yeah, no I don’t really curse Mr. Jobs but yeah really I hate iTunes right now.
My iPhone has exactly one band’s album on it and one song by another band on it. I have an entire album by Mariachi El Bronx and one song by Alexandra Stan (Mr. Saxobeat).
Both of which I bought while drunk.
Everything else has evaporated into so many digital ghosts.
So, fuck you Apple.
To add insult to injury, Apple kindly provides you with a list of every fucking purchase you ever made on iTunes and HOLY shit there a lot of stuff that never made it off my old iPod to my iTouch to my iPhone 3 to my iPhone 4 and FUCK YOU want that stuff damn it!
While on a business trip a few months ago, while tanked, I purchased from my iPhone mind you, three episodes of Futurama and they have been stuck in my download cue since I was born.
Can’t download them, can’t delete them from the queue, can’t stab Steve in the eye with a bar straw.
Just stuck looking at them, never deleted, never watched, never downloaded.
Everything else downloads, not them. A constant reminder of a night-time decision to watch a video on my iPhone, forever I guess. Stop judging my night-time video choices Steve! You’re being a dick!
Also protip kids, never purchase video downloads like this from your iPhone while drunk in Eastern European countries, it throws your credit card into anti-fraud hysterics.
You’ll have to talk the credit card help line lady off the ledge, literally.
“Stay with me, Fatima, I was in the Ukraine on business, I bought a funny video from iTunes, no one stole anything, don’t jump please!”
Some of you Mactarded fanatics are rolling your eyes right now and closing your browsers. Don’t hit that little ‘x’ or whatever it is you elitist freaks select to close a ‘window’ (yeah a WINDOW, as in WINDOWS based).
It is likely my fault I lost my copy of the songs, “little black backpack” and “I’m popular”. I’m also an idiot for downloading them I freely admit. It is my fault though; I did this to myself, somehow. You see back in the sane and rational world of non-Apple shit you have to manage your content, and I’m VERY comfortable doing that.
Download all your photos to this folder, all your videos to that folder. Put all your important documents into another folder and hide your porn in a folder called, “totally not porn honey, never look in this folder, only boring shit is in here.”
Then, when you have to change computers you … wait for it … COPY THOSE FUCKING FOLDERS TO YOUR NEW COMPUTER.
Meaning you still HAVE them, computer after computer after computer after …
Retardedly too simple for iTunes it seems.
Which leads me to, Apple hates America.
They hate property rights too, those assholes. They want to punch George Washington in the balls, They hate my copy of Lord of two boobs and return of the boobs too, fuckers.
In short they hate freedom.
Why can’t I just go into iTunes and tell it re-download all the shit I ever downloaded and be quick about it? Because of piracy I know but why isn’t there an “I fucked up” button.
My life needs an “I fucked up” button on SO many levels (shout out to you Dagmar, love you baby!) but shit how hard would this one be?
Sure I know ‘kind of’ how it happened. My iPhone was full of like a million gigs of “other” which when googled told me that all I had to do was connect to iTunes, do a factory reset, resynch and LOSE ALL MY SHIT.
They left the ‘lose all my shit’ off that helpful recommendation and fuck if I know where my shit is on the old computer. I have a lot of searching to do in C:\windowsprogramsfuckifIknowshitisitinhere searching to do if I ever want to hear another Pogues song soon.
So once more, fuck you iTunes, fuck you Apple, fuck you Macintosh and Steve, I’m sorry you’re dead but the shit you did pisses me off.
Fuck you my iPhone, really fuck you.
But mostly, really mostly, thanks for reading, assuming you got down here, down this far I mean. Some of you put up with REALLY low quality, non-entertaining cat videos, plastic toys on a BMW’s hoods, photos of beer cans, rants about the Catholic church and posts about why I … well if you read this far you read it all likely.
Thanks for stopping me in the hallway and telling me you liked what I wrote, thanks for calling me and telling me you liked what I wrote, thanks for emailing me and telling me you liked what I wrote. Thank you to ever complete stranger, and there are many of you, that reached out. That’s the coolest, people out of the blue saying “wow I just laughed cause of what you wrote.” You folks are flattering and scary, I mean I thought I was funny, I thought my friends thought I was funny but … STOP STALKING ME. I kid, thanks man it’s ALWAYS flattering.
Thanks, honestly. I’m flattered and shocked you all read, participate and come back.
No bad words, no rants, no jokes. Thanks, you reading this, sharing it (always share it) or telling me you laughed is why I will do it again tomorrow. Maybe it will be popular, maybe it will fall flat, I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re here and, I hope, having fun.
A few shout outs. Special thanks to Val Henderson of course, for kicking me in the ass to do this and putting up with my juvenile shouts of joy when a post early on broke 100 reads. Thanks to Dagmar for calling me out (here and in private – SAUNA BONERS HONEY!). Thanks to Marni Sandberg for always reading.
Thanks to GG for always coming through, well mostly coming through, with the twins. Thanks to Lynn Davis for putting up with me. Thanks to Maggie for telling me, years ago, YEARS AGO, “wow you can really write”. Thanks to Alex for suggesting I do this 8 million years ago (I should have listened to you dude) and …
Finally, sauna boner hopefuls, I’m sorry there are no sauna boners. But I’m glad you’re here.