Naked in mixed company, return of the German sauna

This is what my life-sized cutout looked like, only less breasty.

DC Dana (who has her own very cool blog located here) was correct. What I thought doing a blog was going to be, other than a great big giant I love myself and I kiss my reflection exercise, I don’t know. When I told Lynn Davis I was going to do a blog she called it the worst idea since I had that life-sized cardboard cutout of myself made and kissed it, a lot, in the French tradition of course. And I admit that was a really, really, bad idea (it got all wet cause I was too cheap to pay for the laminate).

What I do know is that when I push something here (don’t click that link — see I told you not to) and link it to face book my next step is hitting the refresh button on the status page that comes with wordpress (The status page shows how many views by day, week and month, how many are currently reading, how they arrived at the blog, that kind of stuff) over and over and over again hoping someone reads this crap.

I had this huge, long paragraph that explained in detail why naked in a mixed gender sauna was the most popular post I’d made thus far. Then super-secret mystery guest writer that really, really hated Valentine’s Day blew that out of the water. For the first time in my admittedly short time doing this, more readers came in from Google than Face Book. That impressed me, and the fact that her update was very, very funny.

Basically her post, and the readers that read, it screwed up my reasoning for doing this update. Prior to that update, the most popular reason that a non Face Book reader would come here was to read about being naked at the German sauna (go ahead and read that but COME RIGHT BACK HERE!) which, even in the dust that I hate Valentine’s day left it in, still gets hits. I’m hoping that my thinking is correct in that once Valentine’s Day sucks has passed from recent memory the most popular search term that bring someone here will return to, “first time naked in a German Sauna.” Most popular as in one or two a day not the 40 goddamn million of you that visited cause; well Valentine’s Day does suck.

So that’s what this update is about, sort of (about German mixed gender sauna’s not Valentine’s Day I mean).

Just to reiterate to the Google god this will be about the first time you are naked in a German sauna and what to

I have no idea what the fine print on this demotivational poster says, it was just he least "WE LOVE GOD" image I could find when I googled, Google God. Also what are the rules about using capital letters with Google. When It's Google sure cap that G baby but when you are googling ... nevermind.

expect. Yeah I just want to milk out the hits that aren’t from Face Book … so let’s start with, What to expect during your first naked German sauna experience shall we? I don’t want anyone to miss out on, what will happen when they go to a naked German Sauna for the first time. Otherwise people that have the question, “what is a mixed gender German Sauna like?” will be without an answer. So let’s answer some questions about what your experience at a nude German Sauna will be like.

When I Googled “first time in a naked in a German Sauna” (to write this, not for the first time I went) I found a few really good articles about it, a few retarded Americans (let’s be honest they were all by Americans) who couldn’t get over their Americaness and one idiot, in the comment section on Yahoo answers (Mr. Maul) that said, there have to be separate gender areas otherwise there would be a lot of rape. There are gender separate saunas available in some German Saunas Mr. Maul and I was only raped once in the mixed gender sauna, sir. Only once!

Maybe it’s common knowledge maybe it’s not. The Europeans think that shooting a dude’s face off is disgusting and that a naked human body isn’t.

Backwards I know.

Obviously a naked human is MUCH more dangerous to a society than shooting a person’s face off. We understand this.

‘Merica, human body bad — unless filled with bullets — then human body good. We also like meat a lot which I think means something.

I digress.

I think that basically there are three types of people that Google “first time naked in a German sauna.”

1.  People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are panicked like a high-school senior a month after prom night

2.  People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect

3.  Men who are about to masturbate, looking for a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “you know in Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music>

Let’s break them down.

In a perfect world this would a photo of a man with an erection, with lots of women laughing at him. This isn't a perfect world.

1. People that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are panicked like a high-school senior a month after prom night. (I figure one person in a hundred has this reason when Googling)

Look here’s the deal, if you’re freaked out about going to a German sauna where you will likely be naked in front of members of the opposite sex, don’t go. If you’re scared you’ll have an erection* or that men will be lusting after your exposed lady bits (you won’t and they aren’t) don’t go. The German sauna’s not for you. It’s about relaxing and taking care of you. If your cultural/family/societal norms are that mixed couples cannot be together in the nude for any nonsexual purpose then don’t go.

If you just read that and still think you might be interested I have golden advice for you. Safe advice, advice that won’t leave you with a publically exposed erection (take THAT Google) or lusted after by lusty men.

Every German sauna I’ve been too has an area where you can undress in private and put on a robe or towel. Wearing said robe or towel walk around the sauna, get a feel for it. You’ll see pretty quickly it’s not the kind of place you fear. Or you’ll run in fear (please report back to me which it is). My point is that you can explore a German (European) mixed gender sauna, without exposing yourself and make the decision based on what you actually see, vice what you think you’re in for.

2. Americans that are about to go to a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect (I think likely that two in a hundred people Googling have this reason)

I had this long ass thing in my head that I was going to tell you but I can basically sum it up in a paragraph I think.

Truth is it’s a great day. You’re going to sweat it out, lounge in a pool and basically chill out. It’s Germany, they have an official way to do everything, and this includes relaxing. Insert your own, why did they follow Hitler joke here. But in this, and a lot of other respects, they are right. Germans have it down, give it up, yo.

They’ll have a little schedule, if you will, posted on the wall that says what you should do first, second, third and it ends with a drink. A boozy drink, wine or beer generally.

3. Men who are about to masturbate looking for a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “you know in Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music> (this the basically the only reason anyone is Googling naked in a mixed gender sauna, let’s be honest)

Please send me links to the best videos you find. Thanks.

* I have seen three erections at a German mixed nude sauna. So it does happen. It was all within the same group of men (I use the term loosely) and it was very much intentional (the erections I mean). It was also one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I promise with my next sauna update to explain it.

In fact with the next naked sauna update I will explain the following and likely not in this order:

The Pee-Pee Patrol

Three erections (see above)

What happens exactly when the whole place goes nude.

Sailor man’s penis

Exhibitionist girl

Yes, Dagmar, okay I was looking at those girls cause they were hot (cause Bron Barry was right),

Gay man hits on me in the sauna and the same gay man hits on me later story follow up.

Finally here’s a poll. It’s anonyomous (I think) …

4 Responses to Naked in mixed company, return of the German sauna

  1. Pingback: ‘Merica f’ yeah part 2, Tractors, good food, nice people and … HOLY CRAP IS THAT A FAKE BABY? « hadafewbeers

  2. Pingback: Part 3: Naked in mixed company German sauna reborn … erections and gayness « hadafewbeers

  3. I am 29 but I have met cougars in the sauna in Germany, this is a place that has the love parade. I have had erections in the sauna with no problem. Just be safe and have fun nothing like mixed saunas but stay away from where you will find Americans and it is even more fun and don’t be afraid to look. Nudism in America is unnatural because they want you to ignore biology (be natural but don’t be natural).

  4. LOL, I read these blog entries when I was looking for ettiquette tips before sauna-ing FKK at my German hotel. As an American, I wasn’t sure of the rules…and,yeah, I was a lot nerved up about it just from a self concious perspective. The blog gave some good insifths. I managed to get in to the sauna with nobody around and settled in…after the first nude couple came in, I got over it pretty quickly. The only odd thing is that the sauna area was on the side of a hallway to the pool in the hotel, so lots of clothed people would walk by as you were exiting the sauan, steam bath, or shower, so it felt a little weird when children were walking by. Also, there were lots of Russians and Italians at the hotel (who don’t strip down for the sauna) and it felt odd when they came in with clothing on….it was comfortable being in a room with other naked folks, but when someone in a swimsuit came in, you felt uncomfortable. Also, there is nothing quite as odd as having a conversation with a 70 yr old nude German woman while you are laying flat on yer back with yer junk out on the top rack of the sauna, lol. Anyway, I’m addicted now and will certainly visit a larger spa/therme at my next opportunity.

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