The blog I wrote about nude German saunas has received a lot of attention. By some magic, people like to Google the combination “nude” and “saunas” or “nude” and “German,” or any combination of words if “nude” is one of them. This is a good thing because whenever I write I blog, I obsessively hit refresh on the status page to see what sort of page hits its getting. The naked sauna stuff does well. Public nudity has upped my popularity. So, I thought to myself, why not milk the cow that is nude German saunas and offer readers some tips on how to navigate them (while simultaneously feeding my ego by way of page hits.)
Today’s topic will be (are you listening Google): What to expect during your first naked German sauna experience. I don’t want anyone to miss out on what will happen when they go to a naked German sauna for the first time. Otherwise people who have the question, “What is a mixed-gender German sauna like,” will be without an answer. So let’s answer some questions about what your experience at a nude German sauna will be like.
(See what’s I’ve done there for the Google god? I’m not above self pr0motion.)
When I first decided to write “First time in a naked German sauna,” I Googled the topic and found a few really good articles on it. I also found a few retarded Americans who couldn’t get over their Americaness; and one idiot, in the comment section on Yahoo answers (Mr. Maul) who said, there have to be separate gender areas otherwise there would be a lot of rape. There are gender–specific e saunas available in some German saunas, Mr. Maul, and I was only raped once in the mixed-gender sauna, sir. Only once!
Maybe it’s common knowledge, maybe it’s not, but Europeans think shooting a dude’s face off is disgusting (whereas Americans barely flinch) and that a naked human body isn’t disgusting (whereas Americans flinch and lock up their kids.)
Backward, I know.
Obviously, a naked human is MUCH more dangerous to a society than shooting a person’s face off. We understand this.
‘Merica, human body bad — unless filled with bullets — then human body good. We also like meat a lot, which I think means something.
I think that basically there are three types of people who Google “First time naked in a German sauna.”
No. 1. People who are about to go to a nude German sauna and are panicked like a high-school senior a month after prom night
No. 2. People who are about to go to a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect
No. 3. Men who are about to masturbate to a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “In Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music>
So, lets break down the types of people who use the above reasons.
Reason No. 1 — I figure one in 100 Googlers is about to embark on their first foray in public nakedness and their nervous.
Look here’s the deal, if you’re freaked out about going to a German sauna where you will likely be naked in front of members of the opposite sex, don’t go. If you’re a dude and scared you’ll have an erection* or a woman and are concerned strangers will be lusting after your exposed lady bits (you won’t and they aren’t) don’t go. The German sauna’s not for you. They’re about relaxing and taking care of yourself.
If your cultural/family/societal norms are that mixed couples cannot be together in the nude for any nonsexual purpose then don’t go.
If you just read that and still think you might be interested, I have some golden advice for you, the kind of advice that won’t leave you with a boner in public (take THAT Google) or salivated over by lascivious men.
Every German sauna I’ve been too has an area where you can undress in private and put on a robe or towel. So, wear the robe or towel and walk around. Get a feel for the place. You’ll see pretty quickly there’s nothing to fear. Or you’ll run in fear (please report back to me which it is). My point is, you can explore a German (European) mixed-gender sauna without exposing yourself, then make a decision on whether you should disrobe based on what you actually see, versus what you think you’re in for.
Reason No. 2 — Americans who are about to visit a nude German sauna and are legitimately wondering what to expect (I think two in a 100 people Googling have this reason)
I had this long ass thing in my head I was going to here, but I can basically sum it up in a paragraph I think.
The truth is, visiting the sauna is a great way to spend your day. You’re going to sweat it out, lounge in a pool and chill. It’s Germany and they have an official way to do everything. This includes relaxing. (Insert your own, “Then why did they follow Hitler” joke here. But in this, and a lot of other respects, the Germans are right. They have relaxing down.)
At the German sauna, there will be a little “schedule,” if you will, posted on the wall that says what you should do first, second and third. The to-do list ends with a drink. A boozy drink, wine or beer generally.
Reason No. 3 — Men who are about to masturbate looking for a video that starts with a blonde girl in a towel walking into a sauna where a man wearing a towel says, “In Deutschland das towel is verboten” <cue porn music> (this is basically the only reason anyone is Googling naked in a mixed gender sauna, let’s be honest)
Please send me links to the best videos you find. Thanks.
* I have seen three erections at a German mixed-gender nude sauna. So it does happen. It was all within the same group of men (I use the term loosely) and it was very much intentional. It was also one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I promise with my next sauna update to explain it.
In fact with the next naked sauna update I will explain the following and likely not in this order:
The Pee-Pee Patrol
Three erections (see above)
What happens when the whole place goes nude.
Sailor man’s penis
(Yes, Dagmar, Ok, I was looking at those girls cause they were hot ’cause Bron Barry was right),
Gay man hits on me in the sauna and the same gay man hits on me later story follow up.
Finally here’s a poll. It’s anonymous (I think) …