Why Valentine’s Day sucks, Written by a person who hates Valentine’s day.

Note: This update is by a person who REALLY, REALLY hates Valentine’s day. I’m rather blah about Valentine’s Day. On one hand there is yummy candy, on the other hand it’s retarded (not as badly as Xmas but still). She hates it so much that she asked that I not use her real name, for fear of angering the Valentine’s day lobby or something. This is the first of what I hope (cause I don’t have to do very much work) are a few guest writers.

Without further ado here’s Why Valentine’s Day sucks …

She is correct … Valentine’s Day does suck.

Here we go again… You know, one of the many holidays throughout the year created, I’m convinced, to remind me that I’m still single. Well, not single… DIVORCED! Which at 26, is 10 times worse. I will never be single again. I now have a nice little label that follows me around everywhere I go, laughing in my face, occasionally reminding me of my epic failure of a marriage and insisting that I will never, ever, be happy again. So, enter Valentine’s day, a holiday that even when I was married, I hated…

The Golden Rule

I really like the concept of treating others as you would like to be treated. So much so, that I exercised this rule in my marriage, particularly on Valentine’s Day. My then-husband was not much of a romantic, so to show him how I would like to be treated on Valentine’s day, I sent flowers and balloons to HIM… at work. That may have been my first mistake, as I have been told that I have a tendency to emasculate men, but that’s another story.

So, I figure, if I did this, he would naturally come to the conclusion that he should do something similar for me on special occasions, something very public. I am a huge fan of public displays of affection, and not just the kind that involve boinking in a bar bathroom. I know that some people believe that special moments should be private, and to those people I say, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, did it make a sound? I am incredibly insecure, and I want, on special occasions like Valentine’s day, for everyone I know to see that there is somebody who thinks I’m awesome and loves me and wants me to have like 20 of his babies… I want to proudly display two dozen roses and a big stupid teddy bear on my desk at work for one fucking day… So sue me.

Anyway, that whole treat him how I would like to be treated really worked out for me… That’s why I’m divorced, not single. However, being divorced on Valentine’s day isn’t any better…

Red Suede Shoes

Nothing says I love you like shaving a heart into your hairy back!

So, my second Valentine’s day as a divorcee is the reason why I loathe first dates. In my opinion, asking someone out for a first date and scheduling said date ON Valentine’s day is pretty fucking ballsy. I tried to remain optimistic, even though the invitation came via Facebook from a bald lawyer, who happened to be a captain in the Army. I had recently been on several first dates, with several different captains, and came to the conclusion that in order to reach that rank, you needed to 1) Cry frequently in public, 2) Be balding at the age of 30, and 3) Have a really, really, really small penis. Really. So, I was impressing myself with my optimism. He was using words like “epic” and “unforgettable” when describing our evening. So what does a girl do? Honey, I bought the sexiest little black dress and some new knee high boots. I was determined to make THIS Valentine’s day my bitch…

And after walking around in the freezing cold, in heels and said little black dress, for 45 minutes because a certain someone failed to make a reservation, my optimism slowly deteriorated. Finally finding a hole in the wall, that I was clearly over dressed for and being asked, by my lawyer date, about how my divorce paperwork was handled over a sub-par dinner, I succumbed to the fact that this was probably NOT my year for a memorable Valentine’s day.

So, at the end of the evening, when my date said he had almost had enough wine to get up the courage to kiss me… You will completely understand why I told him he should have some water.

So, this year, I officially give up the idea of romance on this Hallmark holiday and instead will from now on give two, very nicely manicured, middle fingers to St. Valentine. (Well, at least until I meet an amazing man who will treat me how I want to be treated… Then I’m totally hopping back on the bandwagon.)

9 responses to “Why Valentine’s Day sucks, Written by a person who hates Valentine’s day.

  1. LOVE this. As a Singleton now in her 30’s, I try to just pretend this holiday does not exist. I mean, it has it’s origins in men being put to death so people should really think twice before throwing down money on flowers and candy in “celebration” anyway…sheesh….(I too will totally be on the bandwagon when I’m in love again though. Obvi…..)

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