Spent three days with Maggie and Alex. Maggie and Alex came to visit, obviously. Drunken shenanigans followed.
I picked Maggie up from the airport at 10:40 a.m. Thursday. We arrived at our house at almost 10:30 p.m.
2240 9 Feb 2012 until 1330 10 Feb 2012 Maggie and I: discuss fashion, giggle a lot, talk about work, cry and discuss fashion. Maggie makes me gay.*
(Maggie’s description of what happened after she took her boots off at our house.)
Maggie: Do you mind if I take my boots off?
Todd: No problem, go ahead. Hey, did I say I really like those boots?
Maggie: Yeah, they’re cool but after having them on all day and all night through the airport. My feet hurt. (Boots come off)
Todd: Hey, what the hell is on your feet?
Women. Look at the before photo. That’s a very cute, sexy look. Nice looking boots, hot skirt, black tights. You’d think that once the boots came off you’ve find seductive looking foot with red (or whatever) toenails … no, this is the abortion she has on under those boots.
1331: Alex show’s up. I rediscover I’m a man when he shows me the coolest remote controlled helicopter ever, it only cost $300. I order it because I’ve had five beers on an empty stomach and I really like helicopters. I hesitate about getting a robot room sweeper … why I don’t know.
As people like Maggie, Alex, that woman who lives in this house with me and Gina know, when I’m sober I’m highly gullible to suggestions that if I do/get/buy something I’ll be cool. Gina once in Iraq convinced me to buy a CD from a band that I had never heard of because she said it was cool. I’m an idiot, I bought it. This is sober. Drunk, any hint at all is enough to send me over the edge. None of that matters though because now, sober I fully realize this thing will rock (video link).
Alex: There is an iPad app that will let you record the video that the helicopter takes…. Might come in handy….Just saying…
1335: I’m convinced, after the 10th beer on an empty stomach, that I should call my office and propose my idea for a toy helicopter American Forces Network commercial shoot that involves our office staff meeting. Maggie talks me down from this, but encourages the purchase of five toy remote control helicopters for later use. Thankfully I’ve forgotten my Amazon password (the one that I had used 15 minutes ago) and/or lose interest quickly
1445: Alex uses the term “mangina,” which makes me laugh…
Alex (reading the above): I also use the term, “Man-Dang-Go” which I feel is funnier. Also, I like to say, “Laba-Daba-Doo” a lot when referring to female genitalia….
We go buy food. We wanted to get Donar Kebabs, but the local restaurant is out of business, so we go to a grocery story. We buy a crap ton of food (wine) and return home.
Food is eaten. It’s suggested I put on season one of Chappel show. Maggie falls asleep and Alex and I laugh about the reparations skit because the phrase “tri-state area” when used in reference to a man’s ass, is funny.
Dagmar calls that she’s working late and get home until after 1900. I wonder what she’ll walk in on (me wearing the Simpsons’ underwear she bought me and nothing else, if there is a god).
No man can fart more than Alex. Dagmar is no man though … she might be a contender. Seriously though, the amount of gas that man produced was at first humorous and then quickly became something I felt the scientific community should study. I’m convinced he could have powered a small city, if only science could harness his gas.
Alex: Dude… The gas can be traced back to having about 12 dunkleweisens over the past two days… And I think eating stir-fry cabbage at the DFC yesterday….
1815: Everyone, including me, is into their own IGNOREEVERYTHINGELSE device.
Alex: Todd begins speaking “Toddlese…” We are all perplexed as he’s only had two beers, (that we can verify)…
1955: With no context whatsoever Alex yells out “Poontang safari gone wrong.” (Edit my memory, because of the 143 beers I drank to this point is a bit off, Alex yells this after leaving a Thai restaurant mentioned later in this blog, because the owner is German and married a Thai lady … his version is MUCH, MUCH funnier.)
2005: Dagmar arrives home. I am fully dressed and my Simpsons boxers are upstairs in the closet still. There obviously is no god or he/she/it doesn’t find Simpsons boxers as funny as I do. Dagmar begins berating me, loudly in front of my friends, for choosing crappy beer, not good dark stuff like her and Alex like. Then they proceed to kill (over the weekend I mean) the case of crappy beer I bought.
Alex: “Poop Talk with Dagmar” commences…
For reasons that baffle both Maggie and I, when Dagmar and Alex are “reunited” they immediately start to discuss umm, well — pooping. I’m afraid to explore their desire to discuss this topic … “afraid for my eternal soul” afraid. He also asks Dagmar to “pump his legs” which somehow encourages more gas. Open flames are banned from the living room for 24 hours.
Alex: Due to gasousness… I wear paper underwear… One-time use only….
2030: We are informed by Maggie that we are going to get Thai food. I’m not hungry, but realize I can drink beer there so why not.
2130: Maggie has finally herded us into the car, but not before I hand Alex a handful of plastic army men and dinosaurs with the instructions to “put these in your pocket” … he doesn’t argue or even ask why. He knows that I am an idiot. Beer has made me invincible to logic or maturity.
2140: I pull out my army guys and dinosaurs; no one is impressed but me. I stage fake army guy vs. dinosaur battles while quizzing people who don’t care if I should, blog it?
2145: Dagmar correctly refers to me as an idiot. I eat some chicken fried rice and drink beers.
2155: I go outside to have a cigarette and decide I’m going to steal one of the wooden, 3-fo0t tall oriental man statutes that decorate the windows of the restaurant. I’m literally laughing out loud to myself in the frozen tundra that is Germany at how funny it will be when I get it home. I think I have “blogish” plans for it. I can’t wait to tell Maggie.
2136: I tell Maggie about my plan.
2150: Maggie stops telling me I’m an idiot and that I am certainly NOT stealing a 3-foot tall oriental statute, even though I thought for sure I was going to.
2151: We leave. I don’t have a 3-foot tall oriental statute.
Saturday morning I’m forced, with an epic hangover mind you, to venture out into the very cold outside for a death march through the vineyards. When I’m elected king of everything any walking outside that doesn’t involve beer in 70 degree or higher temperatures will be banned.
* Truth of the matter is Maggie and Alex have been friends of ours since 2002, she and I just stayed up, catching up.